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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419908">the road that i have traveled (it takes me back to you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungbincore/pseuds/seungbincore'>seungbincore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff and Angst, Hurt and comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, Non-Linear Narrative, Open Ending, Read the notes please, Some Fluff, Starting again, coming to terms with feelings, does this count as a songfic, law student seungmin, mentions of smoking, mostly angst, musician jisung, tattooist changbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:29:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,223</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419908</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungbincore/pseuds/seungbincore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Changbin isn’t perfect in any sense of the word. Never has and never will be, and he knows it. He’s made too many mistakes in his 24 years of life, lost his two best friends as a result, and probably would’ve ended up in a ditch by now if it weren’t for his dog - and Felix and Jeongin. </p><p>But everything always comes back to them - to Seungmin and Jisung. Just as it always has. Years later, and they still find each other. This time, though, perhaps things will be different - better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin, Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>147</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the road that i have traveled (it takes me back to you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello, i say, as i drop 31k words of pure angst</p><p>this fic is heavily inspired by the song <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4v1uXnRP235cDKXHuYXR61?si=ApNxI9iSRbSLijpDWDUKYw">Ultimately by khai dreams</a> and the lyrics feature in the fic !!<br/>I also made a <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3xNOpBTO04fESg6Vp80Fpt?si=slYk1edpRUiOQ8uBHXI2Bg">mini playlist</a> for this fic<br/>the songs are :<br/>I can change - ezra furman<br/>ultimately - khai dreams<br/>sick of losing soulmates - dodie<br/>ghosts that we knew - mumford and sons<br/>yellow - coldplay<br/>rivers and roads - the head and the heart<br/>when - by dodie (which an oomf said could be changbin's theme song)<br/>the middle - jimmy eat world<br/>to the sea - seafret<br/>these songs really helped with writing this fic and honestly very much fit the story in general<br/>listening to the playlist is optional, however i highly suggest listing to ultimately</p><p>ALSO!!<br/>the second scene features a fight and mentions of blood and bruises but its not super graphic - i mean, the first mention could be considered graphic? be careful regardless !!</p><p>i projected a lot into changbin and his character is very . well, i just really wanna hug him tight haha</p><p>i hope you enjoy this !!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em> Ultimately I don't understand a thing </em>
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    <em> I try to do the best I can </em>
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    <em> I know you try to do the same </em>
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    <em> We're just so bound to make mistakes </em>
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    <em> You could call it a disposition </em>
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    <em> I apologize for all your tears </em>
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    <em> I wish I could be different </em>
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</p><p>Growing up was never an easy feat for Changbin, but Seungmin and Jisung had made it better in a way. When Changbin snuck out his window and into Seungmin or Jisung’s arms, his best friends chased away the fears and nightmares. When Changbin had a breakdown over his too-hard schoolwork, Seungmin was there to help him work through it and figure out the answers. When Changbin needed a shoulder to lean on, Jisung was there no matter the time of day. When Changbin ran away from home, because things were just too much for him to handle, Seungmin and Jisung would find him and remind him that they’re always there for him.</p><p> </p><p>So sure, growing up was… hard. And it still is. Changbin isn’t perfect in any sense of the word, and he knows he never will be. He’s tainted, and nothing like Jeongin or Felix. He drinks too much some nights, when he needs to fill the void next to him. He’ll smoke occasionally - it’s definitely not a habit, and honestly it's kind of disgusting, but it helps sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe things could’ve been different if he’d grown up in a fancy, two story suburb like Seungmin, with his perfect plumbing and perfect home and perfect neighbors and two parents who loved him and each other. But everyone is dealt their cards in life, and these are the ones Changbin was given. They suck, they hurt, and he can wish for better ones everyday, but that doesn't mean he’s going to get them. He just has to live his life day to day and hope he can do better by his new friends. He messed up with Seungmin and Jisung, he doesn’t want to mess up with Felix and Jeongin. </p><p> </p><p>Deep down, he can only count down the seconds until he inevitably does mess up, because he always does. That’s what he does best, after all. Hurts people. He wishes he could undo what he’s done, but he knows he can’t. All he can do is look forward and hope to be better in the future.</p><p> </p><p>“That was my last client,” Felix says, turning off his ink gun and putting up his tools. “Unless you need me around, I’m gonna clock out. Jeongin got home an hour ago and I miss him. Also, I think he needs help with his school assignments, so,”</p><p> </p><p>Felix and Jeongin, Jeongin and Felix. They came as a pair. When Changbin first met them, it was because of his ad in the newspaper. He had been looking for artists who could sign on as tattooists for his shop, since it wasn’t really a one man job. He had started it off by himself, got all the papers legalized, bought the location with his own money. He still isn’t sure <em> how </em>he managed it, but maybe it had something to do with his parents’ failures lighting a fire under his ass. He refused to be them.</p><p> </p><p>He refused to be someone undeserving of Seungmin and Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>Felix had come in one bright sunny saturday morning, bright eyes and sun kissed skin and a dusting of freckles. In his left hand was a portfolio, and in his right hand was Jeongin, dimples and braces and fluffy bangs that covered his eyes. They were cute, and sweet, and Changbin wanted to tell them to run far away lest he corrupt them with his own bad habits. Felix was persistent though, begging for a chance to showcase his skills, begging to be taught by Changbin. He’d given in, in the end, and officially signed Felix on as his first employee. The boy had learned the craft quickly, and eventually became a senior artist as more and more people came in, looking for a job. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin really, truly appreciated Felix and Jeongin. They really helped him stay on his feet, kept him from ending up belly down in a ditch somewhere. Jeongin lent Changbin his school textbooks when he wasn’t using them, tested him on the material (mostly he was using him for practice since he wanted to become a teacher, but they both won in the end). Felix introduced him to people, helped him get into therapy, helped him break bad habits. They even helped him move into his apartment when he finally found one safe and affordable enough.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, go on home.” Changbin smiles reassuringly, pausing in his task of cleaning his own ink guns. “Tell Jeongin I’ll be by later to give his textbooks back. I’m sure he’s missing them.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix chuckles and ruffles Changbin’s hair as he passes him. “Don’t stay too late, okay, hyung? You always do and you’re always tired the next day.” Changbin watches his friend collect his things - jacket, keys, etc - and then he turns back around. “Promise me you’ll actually get a full night of sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>“Eh,” Changbin waves dismissively, slumping back in his chair. “I can’t promise anything. I’d feel bad if I broke it. I’ll try, though.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix rolls his eyes in exasperation, but even then there's a hint of a smile on his face. “Okay, well, Innie’s first tattoo appointment is tomorrow, and if you hurt my boyfriend, I’ll never forgive you, Changbin hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my gosh, I almost forgot! Baby’s growing up so fast.” Changbin wipes an invisible tear from under his eye. He’s only known these two for a year, but they still mean the world to him. “I’m so proud.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix finally laughs. He extends his arms, pouting his signature pout, eyes shining in the way he knows gets him whatever he wants. “Gimme a hug to take back to your favorite boy.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin is out of his chair immediately, tugging Felix into a tight hug. His friend clings to him, fist tightening in his sleeveless shirt, face buried in his neck. It’s the little gestures that always reassure Changbin that he and Jeongin care about him just as much as he does them. He’s not sure what they saw in someone as broken as himself, but they’ve shown him that he is deserving of the care they give.</p><p> </p><p>“Stay safe, hyung. Get home safe.” Felix whispers, pulling back to pat his cheeks. “See you tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>“I always do.” Changbin pats the boy’s head before pulling away and returning to his table. He still has two more clients, one at 3:50 PM and one at 4 PM, and after that, he plans to do his weekly grocery shopping and return home to his new bottle of chardonnay. He may not drink heavily anymore, but he definitely won’t say no to a nice wine every once in a while.</p><p> </p><p>“Text me when you do, then.” Felix taps his phone before finally turning on the ball of his foot to leave the shop. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin exhales, watching his friend’s silhouette disappear before turning to his phone, which is hooked up to the store’s sound system, and turns the volume up a little more while he waits.</p><p> </p><p>Sure, life still isn’t easy, but it’s better than it was. He’s still not privileged in any sense of the word, and certainly hasn’t cleared away all the red in his ledger, but he’s scraping by. It’ll have to do for now.</p><p>
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</p><p>The first time Changbin met Seungmin, it was because he had the shit beaten out of him.</p><p> </p><p>It was when he was in his second year of middle school and Seungmin was in his first. He was 12 and Seungmin was 11. School had been let out, which meant there <em> shouldn’t </em>be anyone left on campus, but Changbin had a habit of getting himself into too much trouble. It was always for a good cause, at least, that’s what he told himself. Son Chaeyoung had gotten her lunch money stolen by one of the jerks who thought they were better than everyone else, and Changbin had a few choice words for him. Also, it might've had something to do with the fact he always thought Chaeyoung was cute, and she was always so nice to him. She didn’t deserve to be bullied.</p><p> </p><p>“Eat my fists, stupid.” Changbin rasps. He’s already been shoved down more than once by Hyunwoo and his little idiot friends, had his face punched once, and he’s pretty sure there’s a bruise forming under his ribcage. Not to mention the raw and bleeding skin on his palms, elbows and knees. That didn’t keep him down, though, not at all. He pushed himself right back up, fists clenched and readied in front of his face like his uncle had taught him.</p><p> </p><p>“Look at this little scrap.” Hyunwoo sneers, gesturing vaguely to Changbin. Sungmin and Yejun snicker, as annoyingly as always, peeking out from either side of Hyunwoo. Too cowardly to actually face Changbin themselves. Hyunwoo is bigger than all three of them, but Changbin almost has the other two matched in size and strength. They know what he’s capable of.</p><p> </p><p>“He looks like he could fall over on his own.” Yejun says, head tilted. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, look at his little knees wobble.” Sungmin giggles, pointing downwards. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin just scowls and charges at Hyunwoo, fist swinging, only for the bigger boy to shove him backwards, twice as hard as before. His arms drag across the rough concrete, where he’s already stained it enough with his own blood. He can feel the breeze brush against fresh wounds, and he hisses in pain, trying to bite back the tears gathering in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” An unfamiliar voice interrupts, just as Hyunwoo was grabbing Changbin by the collar and lifting him up. Both of them look in the direction of the newcomer to see a boy with big round glasses, a cable-knit sweater to fight off the late autumn chill, and angry eyes blazing. Something about the daggers he was shooting at Hyunwoo really struck a chord inside Changbin. “Put him down right now!” </p><p> </p><p>His voice is sharp, and a little nasally, and not at all intimidating like he’s trying to seem. Changbin almost wants to tell the kid to run before he ends up dead meat, because anyone who crosses Hyunwoo better pray they make it out alive - himself included. Instead, he’s rendered speechless, staring wide eyed at the boy, and immediately starts trying to place a name to his face. </p><p> </p><p>There’s a silence that only lasts for five seconds before all three bullies are bursting into laughter. Hyunwoo’s grip tightens on Changbin’s school uniform collar as he tugs him closer. “And what are you gonna do about it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t expect your pea brain to remember me, but I’m on the student council and I’m a hall monitor, which means I report everything back to the school counselor. Especially fights.” The new boy shoots Changbin a glare of his own, one that tells him he definitely won’t be getting off scotch free. “So unless you want a life sentence in detention, I suggest you let him go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aw, is that supposed to scare me?” Hyunwoo pouts, his voice dripping with mocking. Seems like the other boy’s insult at the expense of his intelligence went completely over his head, but that’s to be expected. “Little Changbin here deserves the beating he’s getting, so run along to mommy and forgot you ever saw this. Or you’ll be next.”</p><p> </p><p>Nothing of what Hyunwoo says seems to scare the boy in the slightest. He just sticks his chin out, puffs his chest, and tightens his fists. “I’m not scared of you. You’re just a meanie who probably still wets the bed.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin gasps, eyes wide as he stares at the boy. And then he badly stifles a snort, which brings Hyunwoo’s attention to him once more, and the absolute, unbridled rage in the boy’s eyes actually scares Changbin a little.</p><p> </p><p>“You shut your mouth. I’ll deal with you in a second.” He growls, and drops Changbin to the ground. Changbin can only watch helplessly as Hyunwoo turns on the newcomer, eyes blazing, fists readied. “You just earned yourself a one way ticket to these fists.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a beat that passes before the new boy bursts out into laughter. Everyone else stops, watching him cackle loudly in confusion. He calms down after a second, wiping at his eyes as he looks at Hyunwoo. “Have you ever really stopped and listened to yourself? You sound ridiculous!”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunwoo looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He looks at Yejun and Sungmin, who can only shrug. Changbin just watches the whole display with an amused grin that makes the bruise on his face hurt.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re supposed to be scared.” Hyunwoo whines, even going as far as stomping his foot like a toddler having a tantrum. “I’m going to punch you!”</p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t, if I were you.” The other boy wiggles a finger before pushing his glasses up his nose and crossing his arms. He smiles smugly. “My older brother is a black belt in karate and my sister is super strong because she works out. So if you beat me up, they’ll probably beat you up.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunwoo finally looks scared for the first time since Changbin has known him. He watches quietly as Hyunwoo takes a small step back, and then he’s turning on the ball of his foot and taking off across the basketball court with Yejun and Sungmin close behind. </p><p> </p><p>When they’re through the gate and at the bike rack, completely out of earshot, the new boy approaches Changbin and kneels next to him. Changbin looks over at him, only then realizing just how much pain his body is in. He hisses, pushing himself into a fully sitting position, his side aching where the fresh bruise is.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you-” he says at the same time that the boy says, “You’re bleeding.” With a frown.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, nothing new.” Changbin sighs, staring at the drying blood on his arms. “What time is it?”</p><p> </p><p>The boy looks at his watch. “Almost 6 pm.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shit.” Changbin hisses, ignoring the wide eyed look that the boy gives him. “I can’t go home looking like this, my mom will flip.”</p><p> </p><p>Which is an understatement, but he doesn’t need to be unloading that onto someone whose name he doesn't even know.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll take you to my house, my dad’s a doctor.” The boy offers, gently gripping Changbin’s arms where he isn’t bleeding and helping him to his feet.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” Changbin mutters, and follows Seungmin because he figures he doesn’t have much of a choice. </p><p> </p><p>He stands quietly as Seungmin opens the lock on his bike, and then they continue down the sidewalk side by side. Cars whiz past occasionally, but the afternoon rush has more or less settled for the evening, so there won’t be much activity anymore. </p><p> </p><p>“Was that true? About your brother and sister?” Changbin asks. He doesn’t really know why he’s asking, but he doesn’t like how awkward the silence is. Besides, he wants to know what it’s like to have siblings that sound that cool. He only has one older sister, but she isn’t around that much. When she is, it’s only to check on him and give him new things, and it’s only when his parents aren’t home. He doesn't really understand it, but he does know that the last time his sister and his parents had been in the same room, it had ended in yelling and tears.</p><p> </p><p>“No, but it worked.” The boy shrugs, and when Changbin looks at him, he’s smiling cheekily. “I only have a sister, and she definitely doesn’t work out.”</p><p> </p><p>“My sister doesn’t work out either.” Changbin blurts without much thought. It has both of them giggling, though.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Kim Seungmin.” The boy finally says. He stops momentarily, holding out his hand in offering to Changbin.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh,” Changbin chuckles nervously, looking between his bloody hand and Seungmin’s very clean, very soft looking hand. “Maybe I shouldn’t shake your hand. But my name is Seo Changbin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, right.” Seungmin mumbles, awkwardly letting his hand drop. His brow furrows momentarily, and then he’s smiling civilly. “Nice to meet you, Seo Changbin.”</p><p> </p><p>They’re silent again as they continue down the sidewalk towards Seungmin’s home. Changbin isn’t really sure what to say to the boy. He knows they come from very different sides of town, considering Seungmin’s very clean cut look, versus Changbin’s very messy, very rugged look. He can just tell, too, in Seungmin’s mannerisms. He’s probably a very sheltered kid, judging from how he so easily insulted Hyunwoo without fearing what could actually happen to him. Changbin knows you don’t say stuff like that to a kid like Hyunwoo, especially not after he had a switchblade pulled on him once. Seungmin’s also very gentle in his gestures, like someone who’s grown up cared for, and he never flinches.</p><p> </p><p>They’re at a stoplight now. Changbin watches the no walk sign blink angrily at them, bouncing on the balls of his feet. His arms are stinging slightly, but he ignores it. Seungmin looks lost in thought, eyes turned to the concrete. Changbin stares at him for a few seconds too long, contemplating asking something new, but then the light flashes green, allowing them to walk. Seungmin steps onto the road first, not paying attention to anything as he does.</p><p> </p><p>And Changbin sees a car, and it's not slowing down. Quickly, he pulls Seungmin out of the way, knocking both of them backwards because of the bike just as the vehicle whizzes past. Seungmin lands clumsily on top of Changbin, knocking the wind out of him and crushing his bruise, but he tries to ignore the pain in favor of making sure Seungmin is okay.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you hurt yourself?” He asks - more like rasps, gently lifting Seungmin up to check any bare skin.</p><p> </p><p>“No-” Seungmin pushes himself to his feet, checking himself over. “I’m okay.” He holds a hand out for Changbin to take, pulling the older boy to his feet before picking up his bike. “Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>“‘Welcome,” Changbin mumbles, wincing as a fresh wave of pain shoots up his arms. “Fast reflexes and all that - no big deal.”</p><p> </p><p>“Heh,” Seungmin giggles, nudging him as they continue down the sidewalk. “My knight in shining skechers.”</p><p> </p><p>They both laugh at that, and eventually fall into a silence as they come closer to Seumgmin’s home. Changbin looks over at the boy, the perfect image of rich suburban life, and wonders—</p><p> </p><p>“Why’d you help me?” Changbin asks. <em> Why’d you help street trash like me? </em>He wanted to say, but that might be too much.</p><p> </p><p>“Why’d you get in a fight?” Seungmin counters, casting a glance at Changbin out of the corner of his eye.</p><p> </p><p>“He stole Son Chaeyoung’s lunch money and tried to drop Huang Renjun’s glasses in the toilet. He’s an asshole.” Changbin sniffs. “If you actually did your job as a hall monitor, you’d know that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I did know that. I told the teachers.” Seungmin blinks at him, wildly innocent to the entire situation. “It’s not your responsibility to handle something like that. The teachers are supposed to handle bullies.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t tell me you actually buy into that bullshit.” Changbin scoffs, shaking his head. He really pitied Seungmin, and hoped he got a dose of reality soon.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not bull-!” Seungmin stops, cheeks flushed, as he quickly collects himself. “It’s not… that<em> . </em> ” Changbin smirks at Seungmin’s choice to innocently rephrase himself. “The teachers <em> will </em>handle a student like Hyunwoo. You’re just lucky I don’t turn you in for also engaging in violence on campus.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why not?” Changbin inquires curiously.</p><p> </p><p>“Because, you’re a mess.” Seungmin states bluntly, gesturing to Changbin. “I’ll tell counselor Bae that you were a victim of bullying and that you didn’t fight back so you don’t get in trouble.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not a good enough reason to defend someone you don’t even know.” Changbin says, holding his hands behind his back. The skin is numb now, so he doesn’t feel the pain anymore. “You must have another reason.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nope.” Seungmin shakes his head, but the furrow of his eyebrows tells Changbin otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, totally.” Changbin shrugs, leaning in closer to Seungmin. “I don’t believe you.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not my problem.” Seungmin hisses, shoving him away.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin giggles and falls quiet after that, letting the conversation die naturally. It’s then that he realizes that they’re in the rich gated neighborhood. He and the kids he hangs out with have stood on the curb opposite the main gate and laughed at it on more than one occasion, making fun of the rich sitting on their high horses and sipping from their fine china in their fancy houses. His cheeks turn red when he realizes that Seungmin <em> lives </em> here. He supposes it makes sense, his dad <em> is </em>a doctor after all. </p><p> </p><p>“This is me.” Seungmin says as they come to a stop in front of a giant, two story blue and yellow house. There’s an expertly mowed yard out front and perfectly trimmed flower bushes lining the walkway up to the front porch. A white, wooden bench swing hangs from the outside patio roof, swinging slightly in the breeze, and the front doors are at least 80% glass. Changbin could throw a baseball at it and completely shatter the whole thing. The house is a far cry from his tattered and rickety one story house on the other side of town.</p><p> </p><p>“Whoa.” Changbin breathes, following Seungmin to the garage where he stores his bike and leads Changbin into the rest of the house.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m home!” Seungmin yells loud enough to burst an eardrum. There’s a five second silence that follows before the sound of excited tapping against wood appears suddenly. </p><p> </p><p>A giant, black and white dog rounds the corner suddenly, tongue lolling out and giant claws scraping against the polished floor. Changbin shrieks, cowering behind Seungmin who happily greets the dog without a care. Changbin peeks over the boy’s shoulder, watching him rub at the dog’s neck and kiss their snout.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi there, Daisy!” Seungmin coos, patting the dog's head. “Changbin, this is Daisy! She’s a harlequin great dane and also the best girl in the world. She’s super friendly, here!”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin jolts when Seungmin grabs his wrist suddenly, tugging it forward to press it against the dog’s nose. Seungmin pauses momentarily at the blanked out, almost scared look on Changbin’s face, and promptly lets go of his hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot about your scrapes! Did I hurt you?!” He scrambles to push the dog away, sending her off with a simple command before gently lifting Changbin's hands to inspect them closely.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine.” Changbin mumbles, carefully retracting his hands. “I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin just sighs and gestures to him. “Come with me.” </p><p> </p><p>Changbin silently follows him through the house to the stairs, up into the rest of the house. Seungmin peeks into a room at the end of the hall before telling Changbin to wait outside. He slips inside and closes the door behind him, shutting Changbin out.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin almost considers going home without a word. He doesn’t feel like he belongs in a place as nice as this. The walls are too clean, the air smells too nice, there’s no lingering feel of stress in the air. Seungmin’s dog doesn’t attack on sight, and he doesn’t get told off for making too much noise.</p><p> </p><p>He really doesn’t fit in here. He frowns, staring at the door separating himself from Seungmin, and decides he shouldn't drag the kind boy into his world. With a soft sigh, he whispers a quiet apology before quietly sneaking back through the house and down the sidewalk. </p><p> </p><p>He’s halfway down the street when a voice stops him. </p><p> </p><p>“Changbin!” Seungmin calls. Changbin turns to see him running down the sidewalk after him. “Where are you going? You’re still bleeding.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be fine.” Changbin shakes his head, stepping back from Seungmin when the boy stops in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>“But… you’re bleeding.” Seungmin repeats, with more hesitance this time.</p><p> </p><p>“I told you, it’s nothing new.” Changbin waves him off. “It’s not as bad as it looks, really. I can deal with it. Thank you, though, for trying to help.”</p><p> </p><p>He turns back around without giving Seungmin the chance to answer. He’s barely able to take a step before there’s a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.</p><p> </p><p>“I helped you because I wish I was brave like you.” Seungmin says quickly. “You’re always standing up to bullies. I see it all the time. I wish I could do that.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, you don’t.” Changbin shrugs him off. “Trust me. Stay soft.” He mutters and takes off running this time, leaving behind Seungmin and his perfect life. </p><p> </p><p>Only when he’s far away from the gated community and closer to home does he finally slump in the grass and cry, because he wishes he could have what Seungmin has, because he’s in pain, because he’s tired of being him. There’s so much on his shoulders, and he’s only in middle school. It’s so unfair.</p><p>
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</p><p>“I still don’t understand calculus.” Changbin mutters to his dog. Tulip just whines curiously, tilting her head, ears flopping all over the place. “How does Jeongin do this everyday?”</p><p> </p><p>He’s trying to study the “homework” Jeongin gave him, but he can’t make sense of the numbers and formulas. With a frustrated sigh, he drags a hand through his hair and taps the pencil against the table; scowling at the workbook in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>Tulip just walks around the coffee table and settles in his lap. He chuckles, dropping his pencil to hug his spotted dog to his chest. She yips happily, licking at his cheek and jaw, her tail wagging. </p><p> </p><p>“Alright, alright!” Changbin laughs, picking her up and seating himself on the couch. “Fuck calculus, anyways.” He adds as Tulip immediately curls up in his lap and he grabs his firestick, turning on the TV. He’s pretty sure Felix got this for him for his birthday, but he can’t remember. It might’ve been Jeongin. It was definitely one of them. He makes a mental note to get them something fancy in return, as a thank you.</p><p> </p><p>As he’s flipping through his continue watching on Netflix, none of the current shows he’s been binging really appealing to him, his phone buzzes on the coffee table. He drops the remote and gently nudges Tulip off his lap, snatching the device off the table and opening it with the face recognition - which is still something he’s getting used to. He has no idea where Felix and Jeongin got the money for it. </p><p> </p><p>He has an instagram dm on his work account, from an account named j.one. He tilts his head, opening the profile before the dm. There’s no pictures of the person's face, only nature photography and recording equipment and a gecko every once in a while. There’s also a couple pictures of someone who’s always facing away from the camera, but something about them just seems… oddly familiar. He frowns and opens the dm. He’s used to getting tattoo inquiries on here, after all.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>j.one, 8:34 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Hi, you do tattoos, correct? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i mean obviously you do haha, your user is literally “seotattoos” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> sorry i’m nervous, i’ve never done this before </em>
</p><p>
  <em> basically my best friend and i wanna get tattoos for our birthdays except we’re getting them on my birthday since his is a couple weeks after mine </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i would’ve emailed you but my birthday is this weekend and i was worried you wouldn’t see it in time. Is it too late to make an appointment?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> hell, this might get lost in other dms. worth a shot, though </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Well, they certainly talk a lot.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin sighs and accepts the request, fingers hovering over the message bar as he tries to recall his schedule for the weekend. He’s pretty sure he and Felix both have an empty slot. He always trusts Felix most with first time tattoos, since he’s really good at calming the customer down and reassuring them about the needles. He’s never met someone quite as kind hearted as him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>seotattoos, 8:36 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> yes, i do tattoos. and me and another employee both have an empty slot around noon on saturday, does that work for you? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>j.one, 8:38 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> yeah that works great !! thank you so much! we’ll definitely be there! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> you’re a lifesaver, honestly. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>seotattoos, 8:38 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> don’t mention it. we’ll go over the tricky details, like pricing and placement and design, etc when you come on saturday.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> what should i put you down as? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>j.one, 8:39 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> does j.one work? i kind of value my privacy haha </em>
</p><p>
  <em> or you can use ksm for my friend </em>
</p><p>
  <em> whichever works for you haha </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Why does ‘ksm’ seem so familiar? Changbin frowns, reading the message over and over. Who is this person? Are they famous? Their username is almost like a stage name, maybe they’re an idol. But they're not verified, so they probably just use soundcloud or aren’t signed to a company. His curiosity is getting to him, but he decides he’ll just find out on saturday.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>seotattoos, 8:41 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i just put j.one/ksm birthday appointment, is that okay? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>j.one, 8:41 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> that’s great!! thank you so much, i appreciate it more than u know </em>
</p><p>
  <em> wait sorry </em>
</p><p>
  <em> you* </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i’m trying to remain professional i swear </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>seotattoos, 8:42 PM</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> don’t sweat it. see you saturday. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tulip whines as he locks his phone and tosses it aside with a sigh. Something about J.one and their friend is nagging at him, like an itch he can’t quite reach. They both just seem familiar in a way he can’t explain. </p><p> </p><p>Tulip nuzzles at his hand and he lifts it up to allow her on his lap again. She’s big, but not too big to not make herself comfortable on him, and he definitely doesn’t complain. He smiles, patting her head gently.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess we’ll find out on Saturday.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Changbin still thinks it's funny that he met Jisung through Seungmin, since Jisung was from the same neighborhood as Changbin.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung in middle school had been a wide eyed, hot-headed, mess of a child. With wiggly teeth and a sharp tongue and constantly scraped knees from skateboarding , he was responsible for a lot of the fights he and Changbin ended up in - mostly from defending Seungmin.</p><p> </p><p>After Changbin got over his weird, brooding phase with Seungmin and finally let him get closer, Seungmin introduced him to Jisung, his only other friend in his grade. And Changbin, upon learning about this, <em> well. </em></p><p> </p><p>“I want you to meet my other friend, hyung.” Seungmin had told him during lunch that day. </p><p>
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</p><p>They had just sat down, and Seungmin had just handed Changbin the extra sandwich he always brings in his homemade lunch. It was something that Changbin had quietly noticed Seungmin started bringing only after Seungmin realized that Changbin never had anything to eat during lunch. </p><p> </p><p>So in return, Changbin started bringing him bags of chips, since his parents always seemed to have a supply of them on hand. He had refused to let Seungmin turn him down, so the boy had silently started eating them without argument.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin had never explicitly told him he can’t afford school lunches, and he never has time to make himself lunch from home. His teachers always looked at him pitifully and other kids always liked to point out how scrawny he looked, but he usually just brushed them off. He’s built up enough of an armor to not get affected by that stuff anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Who?” Changbin asks around a cheek full of sandwich, staring at Seungmin like a deer caught in the headlights. They had just become friends, and now Seungmin wants to introduce him to someone new?</p><p> </p><p>“His name is Han Jisung.” Seungmin answers easily, clearly not noticing the look in Changbin’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin thinks he’s heard that name before. At least, he recognizes the last name, he’s heard his mom mention someone in their neighborhood by the name of ‘Han’. He tries to recall any memory of her mentioning a kid as well, but nothing really comes up. He does have bad memory, he reasons with himself.</p><p> </p><p>He takes another bite of sandwich, taking his time to chew it and psych himself up. He decides that, since Seungmin has done so much for him up until now, the least he can do is do something for him in return. Finally, he swallows and meets Seungmin’s curious gaze. “Sure, alright. I’ll meet your friend.”</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the day drags on far too slowly, and as the seconds tick down and the classes pass, Changbin’s anxiety about meeting someone new finally catches up to him. He tries to force it down, just get over it, but <em> jeez, </em>making friends is really not his strong suit. </p><p> </p><p>When the last bell finally rings, Changbin practically runs out of the school to the front doors of the office building to meet Seungmin. If he stalls, he’s more likely to chicken out. If he just gets it over with, then he should be fine. </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin is sitting with someone on the steps when Changbin finally reaches them. The boy - who Changbin assumes is Seungmin’s friend - is waving his arms around wildly as he talks excitedly about something. There’s a band-aid on his cheek and he’s missing a tooth and his cheeks are really round, but he looks harmless enough. He actually looks quite cute, and Changbin doesn’t know why he was so worried.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung!” Seungmin calls when he spots Changbin standing at the bottom of the steps. His friend pauses in his story, staring down at Changbin with wide, curious eyes. Changbin meets his gaze as he makes his way up the steps. Seungmin grabs his hand and Jisung’s, pulling the chubby-cheeked boy to his feet. “This is Jisungie - Jisung, this is Seo Changbin hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung regards Changbin with narrowed eyes, gaze taking in his appearance. Changbin is sure he doesn’t look great right now - there’s bags under his eyes and his clothes are a little too worn, and he forgot to brush his hair this morning so he’s sure it's a mess. He feels a little warm under Jisung’s intense stare and averts his eyes, his hand tightening around Seungmin’s involuntarily. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, Jisung beams brightly and sticks his free hand out towards Changbin. “Nice to meet you!” He sings. “Seungminnie has told me lots about you.” </p><p> </p><p>His smile is heart-shaped, and for some reason, it makes sense - considering his bright and cheery disposition.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin shoots a quick glance at Seungmin, who shyly keeps his gaze on his shoes. With a soft chuckle, Changbin shakes his head and grasps Jisung’s hand, shaking it firmly. “Sure, nice to meet you too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s get ice cream.” Seungmin immediately suggests, pushing past his friends and skipping down the steps. He turns when he reaches the bottom, pointing at Jisung and Changbin. “I’m paying.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin and Jisung share a look, and immediately grin as they follow after Seungmin, taking their places on either side of him. They stop momentarily at the bike rack so Seungmin can get his bike and Jisung can get his skateboard - which is hooked to Seungmin’s bike so it can’t be stolen - and then they leave the campus for the day. Changbin stands on the back of Seungmin’s bike as the three of them ride to the local parlor. </p><p> </p><p>The wind in his hair feels nice, he thinks, as they zoom down the sidewalk. Seungmin always rides faster than most, and Changbin doesn’t really get why he’s in such a rush, but at least he’ll have strong leg muscles in the future. Jisung easily keeps up with Seungmin on his board, his body crouched just slightly to be more aerodynamic. No one talks, but he figures that’s probably a good idea, so no one’s distracted. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin watches Jisung as they make their way to the parlor, and tries to pinpoint why exactly he looks so familiar. He tries again to rack his memory for anything that might give him a hint, until finally, <em> finally </em>he remembers one of his mom’s friends stopping by one day a couple years back for something, and the little bright eyed, chubby cheeked boy she’d brought with her. Jisung had been a lot shyer back then, keeping to himself while their mothers did whatever they did. Changbin had just watched him quietly from the kitchen, trying to think of something to say, but talking to people had really never been something he’s good at.</p><p> </p><p>He smiles to himself, though, and is actually kind of glad he gets another chance to try talking to Jisung, and maybe even being friends - for Seungmin, is what he tells himself. Even though he feels a little more than curious of the other boy on his own.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin goes to order two mint chocolate chips for himself and Jisung, and chocolate for Changbin when they arrive at the parlor. Jisung and Changbin watch from a booth near the back of the parlor, legs swinging under the table. Jisung is tapping out a beat on the table and Changbin is drawing small, invisible patterns, but they don't really speak. It’s like neither of them can figure out an icebreaker.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, while Seungmin is still waiting in line, Jisung taps both hands on the table to get Changbin’s attention. The older boy blinks, looking over at him curiously. “I’ve been trying to figure out why you’re so familiar.”</p><p> </p><p>“Our moms are friends.” Changbin confirms for him, nodding. “We met once a couple years ago, but we didn’t really talk.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Jisung muses. When Changbin raises an eyebrow, Jisung chuckles and points to Seungmin. “Someone as kind and clean as him, befriending kids like us. I know you get into fights a lot and you come from the same neighborhood as me, and I’ve seen your house. We understand what it’s like to grow up in the lower class, we… we come from the same side of the coin. But Seungmin…”</p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin could do a lot better.” Changbin finishes, looking over at his friend. Keeping Seungmin at arm’s length is the best he can do at this point, because the boy is <em> persistent </em>about being his friend. He doesn’t understand why, but he figures he probably never will. And if he’s honest, being friends with Seungmin makes him want to be a better person than his parents, be someone who actually deserves to be the boy’s friend.</p><p> </p><p>“So let’s try to be better,” Jisung says. It surprises Changbin. “For him. And for ourselves.”</p><p> </p><p>“For middle schoolers, we’re awfully mature.” Changbin jokes, finally meeting Jisung’s eyes again. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, it’s the trauma.” Jisung snickers and Changbin can’t help but laugh along with him, even if he really is right.</p><p> </p><p>Honestly, Changbin is glad to have someone his age who he can relate to. Seungmin has always been on a pedestal for Changbin, above all the bad shit that goes on out of the public eye. Perfect and kind and wonderful, and untouched by the filth of the world. He needed to stay that way, even if there was something of a divide between him and Changbin. That was better than exposing him to things he needed to stay away from.</p><p> </p><p>“One mint choco chip for you,” Seungmin appears at the table then, holding three cups full of ice cream. He sets one in front of Jisung, and then the chocolate in front of Changbin. “And boring chocolate for you.” He says teasingly, smiling as he plops down next to Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, ha ha.” Changbin sticks his tongue out at Seungmin and stabs his ice cream with the small, colorful plastic spoon. “Chocolate is a classic. And it's better than mint chocolate chip.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung gasps in faux offense, slapping a hand over his chest. Changbin manages to contain a smile as he meets Seungmin challenging glare. The younger boy holds up his cup, gesturing to it dramatically. </p><p> </p><p>“Mint choco chip is <em> loads </em>better, because it’s got the tang of the mint and the crunch of the chips and the sweet chocolate taste mixed in with all of that. It’s spicy sweet!” He says, slamming the cup on the table. Changbin barely winces, and ignores Jisung’s curious noise. </p><p> </p><p>“Spicy sweet?” Changbin laughs. Jisung chortles at the ridiculousness of the description as well.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes! Spicy sweet!” Seungmin exclaims. His voice is pitched higher ever so slightly, the way it does when he’s trying to seem upset, but he really isn’t. “I don’t know how else to describe it.”</p><p> </p><p>“It makes sense,” Jisung butts in, scooping up a bite of his ice cream. “It just sounds funny.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, sure,” Changbin scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Chocolate is still the superior flavor.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin refuses to back down, and for the next half hour it takes them to eat their ice cream, the pair are locked in a heated debate over why their respective favorite flavors are absolutely superior. Jisung just provides unhelpful comments here and there, but otherwise stays out of it, preferring to watch in amusement.</p><p> </p><p>When it comes time for them to go home, Jisung and Changbin say their goodbyes to Seungmin and decide to walk each other home. Jisung lets Changbin try out his skateboard, but it doesn't really go over well and Changbin ends up on his ass. They laugh about it though, and continue on foot so they’re on equal ground.</p><p> </p><p>“How did you meet Seungmin?” Changbin asks when they’re a few blocks away from home. “Did he save you from a fight too?”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung scoffs, but it comes out as more of a laugh, and shakes his head as he swings his board around. Changbin has to stop every few steps to avoid getting hit with it. “No, not at all. The school got worried about my grades and asked him to tutor me. I was really stubborn about it for a few weeks, but then he bought me ice cream, and I figured he was nice enough to let him help.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin chuckles to himself. For some reason, it seems entirely believable. “Seems like we were both stubborn with him for a while.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah,” Jisung snickers, nudging him. “He told me you left his house still bleeding after your fight with Hyunwoo - props for that, by the way. Not many kids stand up to him.”</p><p> </p><p>“He made Chaeyoungie cry.” Changbin mumbles, uncharacteristically shyly. He keeps his eyes on the ground. “She’s too pretty to cry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you have a crush on her?” Jisung gasps, sounding too excited for his own good. </p><p> </p><p>“I do not!” Changbin hisses, crossing his arms with a quiet, “hmph”. He did not ask to be teased about this. “She’s just nice to me and doesn’t deserve to be bullied.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mm, sure, sure.” Jisung sounds completely unconvinced, but he lets the topic go for now.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the walk is quiet, save for the sound of their shoes scuffing against the sidewalk and the usual sounds of their neighborhood. It wasn’t a great place, but one thing Changbin had to give it kudos for, was that everyone looked out for everyone. Everyone cared for each other’s kids as if they were their own, and if something happened to one person, then everyone else was trying to do what they could to help.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s parents aren’t perfect, but they do their best. At least, he thinks they do. Honestly, the more time he spends around Seungmin’s parents, versus his own, he starts to wonder if their bad habits and occasional temper losses really aren’t great parenting. He already knew that parents shouldn’t drink or smoke around their kids, but he’s known other parents in the neighborhood to yell at their kids a lot, so he always just thought it was normal. But Seungmin’s parents never yelled at him if he got in trouble, and never threatened any of his things if he acted out.</p><p> </p><p>Now that Changbin really thinks about it, he realizes that his parents weren’t as great as he gives them credit for. With a frown, he stops walking, staring down at the sidewalk.</p><p> </p><p>“Changbin?” Jisung calls, concerned.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Can </em> we do better? For him?” Changbin asks softly. “What if we end up like everyone else here?”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung doesn’t say anything. Changbin doesn’t blame him, because what is there to say? For one, they don’t know each other that well, and two, it’s not often that someone from such an unstable background such as this really pulls themself out of it. </p><p> </p><p>“We just have to hope.” Jisung finally answers, and keeps walking. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin stares after him, watches him walk down the pathway of a small house a couple doors down, and as the boy turns to wave to him, Changbin feels a weird sense of peace. He waves back and keeps walking down the sidewalk to his house. He’s glad he has someone like Jisung in his circle now, someone he can lean on, someone who can understand what Seungmin can’t.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Did you get a name?” Felix asks, sticking the nail polish brush back in the bottle to get a fresh coat. “And not an alias or just initials, like an actual name.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin had just told him about their Saturday clients, as they sat in his small living room. Tulip is on her bed, chewing aggressively on one of her toys. It squeaks occasionally, and it has Felix and Changbin giggling every time. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin had, in a rare moment or vulnerability, admitted that he felt strange about the client - or, clients, plural. Felix had been quiet as he painted Changbin’s nails, brows knitted as he absorbed the information. Until he finally asked, and Changbin assumed he needed more information to go off of.</p><p> </p><p>“No, unfortunately. There’s nothing. The bio just said, <em> “I’ll rap my way into your hearts”, </em>and all of their photos were of nature or a recording studio or back shots of a person with purple hair. I assume that’s their friend, but I can’t be sure.” Changbin explains, watching the nail polish brush slowly glide over his nail.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm,” Felix hums. He turns Changbin's hand so he can get to his thumb, dipping the brush back into the bottle to refresh the polish. “What about them is familiar to you?”</p><p> </p><p>This is a tricky question, because Felix knows nothing about his previous friendships, and Changbin doesn’t know if he’s ready to confide in his freckled friend about them yet. But then he thinks about how much Felix has given him, both in terms of his own past, and things in general, and decides that maybe it’s time to finally start opening up to both of his friends.</p><p> </p><p>With a shaky sigh, he leans his head back. Maybe if doesn’t have to look at Felix, it’ll be easier. “I had two friends a few years ago, I met them in middle school. We were… inseparable. One was named Kim Seungmin, which matches the initials of J.one’s friend - and, I know it could just be a huge coincidence because that’s a somewhat common name, but… I don’t know. Something about it just feels… different.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix nods, humming once again. And then he smiles and sticks the brush back in the bottle, gentle tugging on Changbin’s hand to get his attention. “First of all, thank you for telling me. Secondly, there is a chance it’s just a coincidence. But let me ask you this - and you don’t have to answer, but I’m getting a vibe that it could potentially be bad if these people are them. Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well…” Changbin frowns, averting his gaze to a spot on his hardwood floor. He feels himself getting choked up as memories of his fight with his old friends begin to resurface, and he sighs. “I hurt them both, badly. It was - well, it was a shitshow, to be frank. I uh,” he chokes on his words, tears gathering in his eyes. He sniffles, harshly wiping at his eyes. “fuck.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix immediately lets go of his hand in favor of hugging him when the tears spill over, entirely out of Changbin’s control. Changbin hides his face in Felix’s neck, clinging tightly to his shirt as his body shakes. </p><p> </p><p>“I shouldn’t be the one crying.” He rasps. Felix crawls into his lap so the angle isn’t as awkward, gently stroking his hair. “I’m the one that hurt <em> them, </em> so why do <em> I </em>hurt so much?”</p><p> </p><p>“They meant a lot to you, right?” Changbin nods. Felix sighs. “Which means you probably regret hurting them.” Another nod. “You’re a good person, hyung. Whatever you did, there’s no way it’s unforgivable.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin doesn’t respond, because he doesn’t know how to. He doesn’t know how to tell Felix what happened specifically, he doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions turmoiling inside of him. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do if J.One and ksm turn out to be Seungmin and Jisung. He’s terrified, honestly, and fears that he may fuck up again if it is. He can’t face them again.</p><p> </p><p>“If you really want, I can ask Yeji or Minho hyung to take your place on Saturday.” Felix suggests. He rocks Changbin like a baby, even though he’s the one in Changbin’s lap. His weight is comforting. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s- It’s fine.” Changbin sniffles, pressing his ear against Felix’s chest to hear his heartbeat. It’s something he used to do with Seungmin and Jisung, as a way to calm himself down. Seungmin’s heartbeat was always loud and even paced, thumping against his ribcage like a drum. Jisung’s was a little faster, but quieter, and Changbin sometimes had to lay his hand flat on his chest to feel it better. Felix’s is quiet and slower, but it’s comforting enough to help Changbin’s own heart slow down to match its pace. “I’ll be fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay. If you change your mind, just let me know.” Felix presses a chaste kiss to the crown of his head.</p><p> </p><p>They stay like that until Changbin’s sniffles more or less stop, and his body is no longer tense. The ruined nail polish is cleaned off his fingers and the bottle is set to the side so they can sit and watch a movie together on the couch. Tulip joins them eventually, snuggling in between them and falling asleep within minutes. Felix follows soon after, and then Changbin does, and he dreams of being on a pirate ship exploring the seas with Seungmin and Jisung.</p><p>
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</p><p>The tail end of summer break was the most time Jisung and Changbin got with Seungmin after their friend returned home from his month long summer camp. Changbin almost hadn’t recognized him at first, taken aback by his friend’s tanned skin, the new glow around him, and his hair a slightly lighter shade of brown than he’s used to. He still dressed the same, and still wore his too-big, round glasses, which was the main reason why Changbin didn’t completely miss him at the ice cream parlor where they were supposed to meet after he returned home.</p><p> </p><p>After Seungmin got home, the three of them spent the remaining weeks of break perusing their small hometown for places to call their own or for places to go adventuring. Jisung and Changbin made it their duty to protect Seungmin, to keep him out of harm’s way - which, naturally, was the overall plot of most of their imaginary games they would play to fill the time. Seungmin, a prince, and Changbin and Jisung as his royal guards who would slay the dragon and rescue Seungmin from its terrible claws, or pirates, or any number of things they could think up.</p><p> </p><p>(Seungmin actually liked when they pretended to be pirates more, but they switched off every now and then.)</p><p> </p><p>They were inseparable, is the point, and they were positive that absolutely nothing could keep them apart.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin, however, in the back of his mind, feared the day that they’d see the darker parts of him and decide they were too good for him. Jisung may have come from the same background, but he was still too good. Still too bright-eyed and soft. Changbin always kept them both at arms length, no matter how much they would protest.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll take two rainbow bars, please.” Changbin requests, bouncing on the balls of his feet and holding up two fingers. He peeks over the edge of the little metal counter on the side of the ice cream truck, trying to catch a glimpse inside the freezers. It’s hard, he’s never been the tallest of his peers. </p><p> </p><p>The lady behind the freezer smiles kindly and opens a freezer near the back of the truck. She returns a second later with two ice creams, setting them on the counter and taking the money Changbin hands her. </p><p> </p><p>“Is it cold in there?” He asks, rocking on his feet. The ice cream bars swing a little in his hand, and the keychains on his backpack jingle loudly, but he’d grown accustomed to the noise.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but it feels nice during summer.” She tells him, leaning on the edge of the counter to see him better. “Especially on hot days like this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Cool.” Changbin snickers, and finally waves to the lady. She waves back as Changbin skips down the sidewalk to his friends.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung is sporting a cute hello kitty band-aid on his left elbow and a brightly colored kuromi band-aid on his knee, the result of an accident with his skateboard the other day. His hair was ruffled and tangled, as it usually is, and the hand-me-down shirt he had no choice in wearing hung haphazardly off his shoulder, the neckline too big to stay on his body properly. He was rambling about something, nothing, and everything, marching back and forth on the curb, balancing as if on the edge of a grand pirate ship.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin sat on the curb, blocking his friend’s path. His glasses sat low on the bridge of his nose, and his clean cut, cotton, polo shirt <em> had </em> to be uncomfortable in this heat. Changbin can see the sweat beading down the side of his face and his damp bangs clinging to his face, but he’s sure his best friend is being stubborn about his lame fashion sense. He’s always been the image of perfection, little goody-two-shoes, top of their class, and on good terms with everyone around him. He was three reading levels above everyone, and has an above average grade in everything. His parents loved him to the moon and back, spoiling him rotten. Not that he actually <em> was </em>rotten, not in any sense of the word.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung and Changbin definitely did not luck out in any of that, constantly in fights with the school bullies, constantly bringing home low and failing grades, and always singled out by teachers - and not for good behavior. Seungmin has stuck his neck out for them on endless occasions, and Changbin appreciates his friend, but sometimes wishes he could just <em> do better, </em>so Seungmin wasn’t always getting in trouble on his behalf. Unfortunately, no one else will stand up to the bullies, and math and reading has never been his forte. His strengths lie elsewhere, like with a pencil and paper and some colored pencils, or band practice.</p><p> </p><p>He likes to tell people he’s not a nerd, but he knows his star wars backpack and polka-dot socks and sanrio keychains and the piccolo he’s always carrying around say otherwise. He likes his interests, though, and isn’t ashamed of them. Not really, anyways.</p><p> </p><p>“Ice cream!” Jisung squeals when Changbin finally reaches him and Seungmin. His friend snatches a bar from his hand, wasting no time in ripping open the plastic to gobble down his treat.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin rolls his eyes and sits next to Seungmin, holding the other bar out to him. “Here’s yours.”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you get yourself one?” Seungmin frowns, tenderly taking the ice cream from Changbin's hand. Changbin meets his eyes, and is once again reminded of just how much his friend has grown in the period of time Changbin hadn’t seen him while he was away at summer camp. He almost looks pretty, but Changbin quickly shakes that thought away and averts his eyes to his mismatched shoes.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t have enough money for three, but it’s fine.” Changbin shrugs, absently picking at the dirt around his nails. “You better appreciate that rainbow bar, I used up the rest of my car wash money for it.” He tries to sound scolding, shaking a finger in Seungmin’s face, but the way Jisung snickers tells him he's not doing a great job.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin is quiet for a long second, before he’s shoving the ice cream back into Changbin’s hand and marching back to the truck. Changbin splutters, whipping around to watch his friend march up to the ice cream truck in disbelief. Jisung snickers behind him.</p><p> </p><p>“What did you expect, hyung?” Jisung says. “He’s always doing this shit for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Watch your tongue.” Changbin snaps, turning on Jisung with a scowl. “Or I’ll wash your mouth out with soap again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, fuck off. Get off your high horse just because you’re the oldest.” Jisung retorts, complete with his tongue sticking out childishly.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin breaks first, giggling quietly to himself. Jisung is quick to follow, and just like that, they’re fine again. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want him wasting his allowance on me.” Changbin admits softly, toeing at the asphalt in front of him. Jisung’s right, Seungmin is always doing stuff like this. Like that time a couple weeks ago when the three of them went to the convenience store to get snacks for a sleepover at Seungmin’s. Changbin had badly wanted a bag of doritos, but he just couldn’t afford it. He was low on money from his summer job at the car wash since he had to buy groceries, and so Seungmin had used his allowance to buy him the chips without a second thought, despite Changbin’s protests.</p><p> </p><p>He knows that Seungmin’s parents probably despise him, not only for his background but because their son keeps spending his well-earned money on him of all things. The thought keeps him up at night, and no matter how much he’s told his friend he doesn’t need to do this stuff for him, that doesn’t seem to stop Seungmin in the slightest. He just doesn’t get <em> why.  </em></p><p> </p><p>“You don’t really get a say in what he spends his money on.” Jisung points out. “If he wants to spend it on you, that’s entirely in his right.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why doesn’t he do it for you, though?” Changbin pouts, glancing over his shoulder at their friend, who’s waiting in line for the ice cream truck. “You’ve known each other longer.”</p><p> </p><p>“He doesn’t care for me in the same way he cares for you, hyung.” Jisung murmurs. Changbin looks at him in confusion, which just has Jisung smiling, though it looks forced. “Don’t think about it too much, you’ll hurt yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ha ha, very funny.” Changbin scoffs, rolling his eyes and looking at the ground. “He cares about us equally, ‘Sung.”</p><p> </p><p>“That may be true, but it’s the way he cares about us that matters.” Jisung returns as he sits next to Changbin. “I’ve known him longer, but you connect with him better.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, that’s not true.” Changbin laughs, almost bitterly. “Seungmin is… Seungmin is perfect. Kind and sweet and-” <em> and beautiful. </em>“And friendly and everything good in the world and I’m… I’m just me. I’m not good enough for him, I don’t even know why or how he’s stuck around this long.” </p><p> </p><p>And then he thinks, as he stares at Jisung, who stares critically at him, that Jisung is also kind and sweet and beautiful and friendly and everything good. How both of them stick by his side is still a mystery he’s trying to figure out.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so fucking oblivious, dude.” Jisung laughs and flicks Changbin’s forehead. “God, it’s actually pathetic.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck off. Again.” Changbin hisses, shoving Jisung away gently.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin finally returns, then, silencing the conversation. He plops down on the other side of Changbin and grabs the rainbow bar from him, instead pushing something else into his hands. It’s a superman bar, his favorite. Despite himself, he beams at Seungmin.</p><p> </p><p>“You really didn’t have to.” He murmurs, but opens the ice cream anyways.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d feel bad if you had to sit there and watch as Jisung and I ate our ice cream.” Seungmin shrugs, nudging Changbin with his shoulder and opening his own ice cream. “Besides, I had left over allowance from last week, so,”</p><p> </p><p>“You could’ve used it for that new pokémon card set you’ve been looking at, though.” Changbin sighs. He can feel Jisung staring at him, but he keeps his eyes focused on the ice cream bar in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I could’ve, you’re right.” Seungmin nods, and then stands, pulling Changbin to his feet. Jisung follows suit, leaning against Changbin’s side with a grin. “But you’re loads more important than some plastic cards.”</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em> But I'm still growing up </em>
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    <em> Into the one you can call your love </em>
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    <em> I'm throwing in my chips </em>
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    <em> I guess I tend to push my luck </em>
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</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, have you ever been in love?” </p><p> </p><p>The question is sprung on Changbin out of nowhere on wednesday afternoon, when he and Jeongin are at lunch together. Felix is still working on a client, but he’ll be joining them soon.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin splutters, half choking on his drink. He coughs, hitting his chest to force the soda down, his eyes watering. He looks at Jeongin in surprise. “Where did that come from?!”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin and Felix don’t really ask him personal things like that. They’ve learned they won’t get straight answers, and they’ve learned that Changbin rathers to keep his past in the past. Sometimes he feels bad, because he knows a lot about them. Jeongin grew up in Busan, with his mother and two brothers. He’s met his family once, and they were nice. Felix moved from Australia when he was 16 because of an old friend who he ended up losing touch with, and then he met Jeongin, who really helped him feel more at home. Their relationship had blossomed innocently and beautifully.</p><p> </p><p>He’s never told them about Seungmin and Jisung (however, Felix knows about them now, but barely), about his parents, about his sister. He’s never told them about the fights, he’s never told them about his childhood home. All they know is his bad habits that they’ve been helping him break and that he’s not had the greatest past. Sometimes he thinks about confiding in them, but he decides it's better to just leave it all behind him. He’s Seungmin and Jisung’s past, just as Seungmin and Jisung are his past. They’re not each other’s futures, so there’s no reason to bring each other up anymore. </p><p> </p><p>Besides, thinking about Seungmin and Jisung hurts, and Changbin would rather just… not.</p><p> </p><p>“I just… wonder. Is that too personal a question?” Jeongin tilts his head, swirling his straw in his drink. “You don’t have to answer.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin sighs, looking down at the placemat in front of him. “How do you even go about defining being in love?” He murmurs, eyebrows furrowing. He’s never even considered the idea of being <em> in love, </em>he’s not sure he would know what it felt like if he was. He’s never really dated either. There was that month in senior year when he and Son Chaeyoung held hands a lot and spent more time together than usual, and she had also been his first kiss, but he doesn’t think that really counts as dating. They just kind of drifted apart after a while, probably after summer break, if he remembers correctly. But he’s never really given most of his attention to anyone other than Seungmin and Jisung - well, and Jeongin and Felix, but… for some reason it's different with them. </p><p> </p><p>Love is such a foreign concept to him. He’s never even told someone <em> “I love you”, </em>not even his friends. The first time he heard it directed at him, It was when Seungmin brought him home after he ran away the second time. He had been away for a week, in the next town over, and when Seumgmin finally found him, they both broke down in tears. Seungmin out of relief that Changbin was unharmed, and Changbin because of how distraught Seungmin had looked.</p><p> </p><p>When Seungmin and Changbin returned, Jisung had refused to leave his side. Changbin can still remember the feeling of Jisung’s tears wetting his neck and shirt where he had hidden his face, can still remember how tightly Jisung clung to him. He remembers awkwardly patting his friend’s back, jokingly calling him a crybaby, and earning a gentle flick on the forehead from Seungmin.</p><p> </p><p><em> “I love you, you asshole.” </em> Jisung had sobbed, pulling away to look at Changbin, cupping his face. <em> “You have no idea how scared I was.” </em></p><p> </p><p><em> “Sorry,” </em> Changbin had mumbled, averting his eyes to the floor. <em> “I won’t do it again.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Seungmin had sat next to him on his big, queen size bed, grasping his free hand as Jisung curled up against his side. They had fallen asleep tangled around each other under Seungmin's giant, blue comforter, and woken up to eggs and bacon and toast that his mom had made for them.</p><p> </p><p>Is that what love is? Being scared? Spending days looking for someone? If anything, Changbin thought he was a burden on his best friends, always dragging them left and right and up and down. It wasn’t fair to them.</p><p> </p><p>But then again, maybe it was the fact that Seungmin had taken so much time out of his life to find Changbin, or the fact that Jisung lost sleep calling police stations from other towns to see if they had heard anything. Maybe it was spending your extra allowance on ice cream so he’s not left out. Maybe it was walking each other home to make sure they’re safe. Maybe it was bringing him home even though he’s a complete stranger just to clean the blood off of him. </p><p> </p><p>“Let me rephrase,” Changbin shakes his head, placing his hands flat on the table. “What is love to you?”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin is quiet for a moment, staring at the table as well. A small smile spreads across his face after a moment. “Felix is love to me. You’re love to me. But in different ways. I love Felix because I’m in love with him, for so many reasons. I love you because you’re my best friend.” He says it so easily, and it takes all of Changbin’s focus to not flinch at how easily he admits that. “Love is… lending your textbooks to someone, or supporting them when they want to apply for a tattooist license. Love is… hmm, love is a lot of things. But I think you should figure out what it is to <em> you.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>“There’s other types of love?” Changbin asks softly. The conversation had been broached because Jeongin has asked if he’s been <em> in love, </em>but maybe that isn’t what matters at the moment. “I don’t really know what love is to me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you love anyone?” Jeongin asks, tone cautious. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin knows he’s not expecting a certain answer, but he guesses that his friend is <em> hoping </em>for a certain answer. He doesn’t want to lie just to comfort his friend, but - well, the more he thinks about it-</p><p> </p><p>“I think so.” Changbin nods. “I’ve never considered the idea of love. I’ve always been too scared of letting people in like that, but,” He meets Jeongin’s eyes. “I’m doing better at that, these days.”</p><p> </p><p>“God, I’m not used to you being so mushy.” Jeongin mutters, lightly punching Changbin’s shoulder. His eyes look a little misty, though. “I love you too, or whatever.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin chuckles softly. He doesn’t explicitly say it back, he’s not sure if he’s really ready to, but he knows that Jeongin understands. Him and Felix have always been endlessly patient with him after all. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” He snorts, waving Jeongin off dismissively. Both of them laugh then, the solemn cloud slowly dissipating.</p><p> </p><p>When Felix comes and Changbin listens to him and Jeongin joke with each other, listens to them ramble about trivial things. He puts extra food on their plates before they can argue, and lets them split their dessert so all of them get a share, lets them split the bill so it’s more affordable, lets them hold his hands on the way home, and he finally decides that they're love to him. He vows to himself to do better by them, because they’re always so wonderful to him. </p><p> </p><p>When he feeds Tulip and takes her out for a walk, and then curls up with her for bed, listening to her breathing as she sleeps, he decides that she’s also love to him.  She had been the thing that really pulled Changbin out of his hole and got him on his feet in the first place. He had found her, cold and shivering and sick in the rain back when he first moved out of home, five months after he fell out with Seungmin and Jisung, and he had realized that he needed to be better to be able to take care of her. He had loved her enough then to get better so she could have a comfortable life, and he loves her even more now, almost three years later, when they’re both much healthier than they were then.</p><p> </p><p>When he goes to work the next day, and inks tattoos into strangers’ arms and doodles in his sketchbook to fill the time, he decides that his shop and his art is love to him. It’s always been his escape from the world, always been there for him when nothing else was. </p><p> </p><p>He may not fully understand love now, but he wants to, and he hopes he’s on the right track.</p><p>
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</p><p>Seungmin had never explicitly told Changbin he loved him like Jisung had, but the more he looks back on his memories of the two, he realizes that Seungmin had been telling him for years, in every way except verbal.</p><p> </p><p>he showed it in the way he would buy things for Changbin without being asked, in the way he would keep his window open at night in case Changbin ended up climbing through it on bad nights, in the way he would hold Changbin’s hand as they cross the street because Changbin was always too scared to do it on his own, in the way he would hook his feet with Changbin’s under their usual table at the ice cream parlor, or how he’d help him with his homework. So many little things, little gestures, little moments, all piled up to create one giant, <em> “I love you”, </em>from Seungmin to Changbin. </p><p> </p><p>He kind of hates how oblivious he’d been to it.</p><p> </p><p>One memory that really stands out, though, is one of the few times Seungmin had been to Changbin’s house in his second year of highschool and Seungmin’s first year of highschool. </p><p> </p><p>It was late, later than either of them should’ve been awake, but Changbin had been having too many nightmares too often lately. He had woken up in a cold sweat, hands scrambling for the walkie talkie that Jisung had bought for the three of them over Christmas so they could communicate with each other, and quickly switched to Seungmin’s channel to get his friend’s attention. Jisung always, <em> always </em>turned his off at 10pm, both because he liked to get his sleep, but also because of house rules. Seungmin kept his on though, in case either of his friends had an emergency, which wasn’t often.</p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin,” Changbin whimpers into the mic, hands trembling. He released the PTT button, listening to the static that follows as he waits for his friend’s reply. He sets the walkie talkie down long enough to tug his damp shirt off, tossing it haphazardly into his room.</p><p> </p><p><em> “Hyung?” </em>Seungmin’s voice crackles over the speaker. He sounds a little tired, like he’d just woken up, and Changbin instantly feels horrible for waking him.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you just wake up?” Changbin asks softly, staring down at his patchy quilt.</p><p> </p><p><em> “Yeah, but—” </em> Seungmin cuts off momentarily, and Changbin feels a hint of panic rise, until the familiar sound of Seungmin’s fan sounds on the end again— <em> “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” </em></p><p> </p><p><em> Great, you’ve worried him. </em>Says an annoying voice in the back of Changbin’s mind. He ignores it, picking at the quilt with a scowl. “I’m unharmed, I just… uh, had a nightmare.”</p><p> </p><p>Silence follows his answer. He stares at the digital clock on his night stand, watching as the minutes tick by. He feels a bile rise in his throat the longer he’s left in silence, the thought that his greatest fear of Seungmin <em> finally </em>having enough of him is the only thing at the forefront of his mind. Tears prick at his eyes as he turns the walkie off after ten minutes pass and he sets it aside, burrowing into the covers in hopes of just falling back asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Is he selfish for hoping that Seungmin doesn’t hate him? Is he a hypocrite, since he’s always pushing his friends away? Fuck, he’s an idiot, is what he is.</p><p> </p><p>And then there’s a gentle tapping on his window.</p><p> </p><p>He jolts, peeking out of his blanket to see what or who is at his window, and he’s thoroughly shocked to see Seungmin standing there, hair mussed from his helmet and beads of sweat rolling down his face. Changbin realizes that his friend had biked all the way here in the middle of the night, just for him.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin waves, tapping once more against the window. Changbin scrambles to open it for him, stepping out of the way as Seungmin climbs through. The second his friend’s feet hit the floor, he’s pulling Changbin into a tight hug, warm and comforting and safe. Changbin immediately melts into it, face hidden in his shoulder and hands grabbing at his jacket.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t have to-” </p><p> </p><p>“Shut up and let me hug you.” Seungmin mutters, his arms tightening around Changbin just slightly. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin just nods and breathes Seungmin in. He has always liked how Seungmin smelled, like flowers and air fresheners - the little pine tree shaped ones you hung on your rearview mirror. It should be a smell most would turn their nose up at, but Changbin likes it. It smells like home to him.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin finally pulls away after what feels like forever and sheds himself of his jacket and shoes. He’s still in his pajamas, but he tugs his shirt off since it’s still damp with sweat, and trades it for a shirt from Changbin’s closet. For some reason, the sight of Seungmin in one of his shirts has Changbin feeling some type of way, his heart thumping dangerously against his chest. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin turns away as Seungmin changes into a pair of jeans. Thankfully, Seungmin is still shorter than him, so his pants will fit his friend with no trouble. Although, “Why are you dressing in day clothes?” He asks, staring at his carpeted floor.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m taking you somewhere.” Seungmin answers, his tone giving no room for arguments.</p><p> </p><p>So Changbin dresses as well and follows Seungmin out of his window. He stands on the back of his bike as they ride down his street and out of his neighborhood. The streets are empty, the only thing filling them being the orange glow from the streetlights. He looks down at Seungmin and reaches up to play with the hair blown off his forehead. He almost thinks he sees his friend smile.</p><p> </p><p>They end up at the beach, and Changbin lets Seungmin hold his hand as they trek across the sand and settle only inches away from the waterline, where the dry sand becomes wet and sticky.</p><p> </p><p>They sit in the quiet of the sea breeze and the waves against the shore for a while, and Changbin lets the remaining fear from his nightmare melt away in the wind, lets it wash off his skin. </p><p> </p><p>He lays back and stares up at the stars, smiling to himself. He likes to think he and the sky are old friends. He likes to think the stars are as close to him as Seungmin and Jisung. He realizes then, that he spends most of his time under the stars with Seungmin and Jisung, and the thought makes him smile more.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, “What was your nightmare about this time?” Seungmin asks softly. His voice is gentle, the tone he uses when he’s trying not to alarm someone.</p><p> </p><p>“Same as always.” Changbin answers, his fingers toying with the hem of Seungmin's shirt - or, his shirt, but he might just let Seungmin keep it for a while so it comes back smelling like him.</p><p> </p><p>He’s been having a recurring nightmare for a couple years now. It’s something that’s happened his entire life, whenever he latches onto something or he’s had a particularly influential moment in life. Before he met Seungmin and Jisung, he would have dreams of falling through a dark void, silent screams escaping him, or of drowning, no one there to pull him out of the watery depths. After meeting his best friends, he would dream of losing them in endlessly different ways. Some of them were his own fault, others were because something happened to them. They didn’t happen as often as they used to, now that he’s grown more comfortable with the two of them, but they always left him near inconsolable.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin lays down so he can face Changbin. Changbin immediately rolls onto his side, immediately searching Seungmin’s face. His friend grabs his hand - the one with broken skin on his knuckles after he punched some asshole who tripped Jisung a couple days ago and caused his friend to sprain his wrist. Seungmin’s presses a fleeting kiss to his knuckles before holding his hand close to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not gonna lose us, Binnie.” Seungmin whispers. Changbin doesn’t berate him about dropping the honorifics, it doesn’t really matter to him when it’s just the two of them like this. “We’re always gonna be right here with you, just like always. We’re always gonna be annoying you, as your cute little dongsaengs, and we’re always gonna go on adventures with you and we’re always gonna hold your hands to cross the street and we’re always gonna hug you when you ask for it and we’re always gonna watch your favorite movies, even if they're scary.” Seungmin reaches up to move Changbin’s bangs off his forehead, causing the latter’s breath to hitch. </p><p> </p><p>“We’re always gonna be your best friends.”</p><p> </p><p>Years later, when Changbin thinks back, he’s going to realize that the words <em> “We’re always going to love you” </em>would’ve followed had Seungmin been a little braver.</p><p> </p><p>He’s also going to think he should’ve said it then, should've told Seungmin he loved him and Jisung. Perhaps things wouldn’t have happened how they did.</p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin,” Changbin whines, roughly rubbing at his eyes to try to and stop himself from crying. “Not cool.” </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin understands what he really means. He pulls Changbin to his feet, immediately hugging him close. “Don’t forget that, okay?” He whispers into his ear. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Changbin nods, wrapping his arms around Seungmin just as tightly as Seungmin is holding him. He kind of wishes Jisung was here too, holding onto him from behind, squishing him between his friends’ chests and reminding him how cared for he is. Seungmin is good enough on his own for now, though.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” Changbin whispers after a couple beats. “For being my best friend. For seeing something in me worth seeing.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin doesn’t answer, but he does hug him closer. </p><p> </p><p>And then he’s tugged towards the wet sand and the ocean, and Seungmin is laughing and their toes sink into the ground and the water washes around their ankles. They spin each other around, they fall into the waves, soaking themselves to the bone. They don’t really care, though. </p><p> </p><p>They sit in the sand and build a crappy sandcastle, packing it together with loud slaps that make them giggle. Changbin stares at Seungmin, and the stars reflected in his eyes, and his heart leaps in his chest. When Seungmin meets his gaze, he lights up like a tree on Christmas. </p><p> </p><p>Clearing his throat, Changbin looks back at the castle and forces out a laugh that he hopes sounds genuine enough. “This castle doesn’t seem very architecturally sound.” He comments, patting the top of it.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin hums, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes at the sandcastle. And then he shrugs and gestures to Changbin. “So punch it.” </p><p> </p><p>And Changbin doesn’t have to be asked twice. He slams his fist into the wet sand, watching as it crumbles apart. He laughs in unison with Seungmin, and lets his friend pull him to his feet. They spin together along the shore as the waves wash away the remains of the castle. Seungmin pulls Changbin into the sand, letting the older fall on his chest. Changbin relaxes, fingers threaded with Seungmin’s, ear pressed to his heart, and lets the sound of the waves and the sound of his best friend’s heartbeat wash away any residual stress.</p><p> </p><p>They return to Changbin’s house just as dawn breaks, wet and sandy and giddy. They take turns in the shower, washing the sea water and sand and everything else off. With damp hair and content hearts, they fall asleep tangled in each other in Changbin’s twin bed, and he doesn’t have any nightmares.</p><p> </p><p>And when he wakes up that evening, Seungmin is still right there next to him.</p><p>
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</p><p>Changbin spends the next few days after his conversation with Jeongin thinking back on everything that happened in his life, trying to figure out who or what he might’ve loved in his past. The longer he sits on it in his free time when he’s in his apartment with a glass of wine and his dog in his lap, or when he’s doodling aimlessly in his sketchbook, or out shopping for things he needs, he comes to the conclusion that he absolutely loved Jisung and Seungmin. He thinks he still does, somewhere deep down.</p><p> </p><p>However, it only occurs to him on Friday night, the day before the appointment with the elusive birthday clients, that it might’ve been in a way that was more than platonic love.</p><p> </p><p>And the idea <em> terrifies </em>him.</p><p> </p><p>He’s never really stopped to consider his sexuality, never really thought about the idea of being with a guy until he met Jeongin and Felix. Seeing them together, being so openly in love, really helped him delve into his own desires and pulls, and slowly he had come to the conclusion that liked boys the same way he liked girls. He had, admittedly, been scared at first, until Felix sat him down one night and explained to him that it was entirely normal and valid, that he’s the same. He gave Changbin the word that explained it all for him, and in that moment, it had seemed so simple and easy.</p><p> </p><p>He had gone on a few blind dates after that, ones that Felix set him up with. They had been nice enough, but blind dates really weren't Changbin’s thing. It definitely didn’t help that he had found himself comparing his date to his childhood friends, and it was always the most trivial of things, like the way the person ate compared to Seungmin, or how another’s jokes just weren’t as funny compared to Jisung’s. He always felt bad when he would come home, realizing he spent the entire evening comparing a complete stranger to people who wanted nothing more to do with him. It hadn’t been fair to his dates or Seungmin and Jisung, so he just stopped accepting Felix’s offers all together.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I’ve had too much wine.” He mutters to himself, staring into his glass. </p><p> </p><p>He hasn’t been able to stop thinking back on all the years he shared with Jisung and Seungmin, trying to pinpoint the exact moment he really started to feel something more for them. Was it his middle school graduation, when they took him back to Seungmin’s house to show him the grand display that Seungmin’s parents and his best friends had put together, giant ‘congratulations’ balloons floating from the ceiling, streamers and confetti everywhere, and praise from all around him?</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the night the three of them had slept on a hill outside of town during the summer before Jisung and Seungmin started highschool, under a sky filled to the brim with stars. They had shared their dreams and aspirations and played around in the grass, and eventually dozed off on the picnic blanket Seungmin had brought, their chests and backs pressed together despite the heat.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the opening night of Seungmin’s first theatre performance, and how amazing his friend’s voice has been as he sang the lines of the main character's innermost desires and love for the leading lady. Jisung had cheered so loudly, tugging on Changbin’s arm as he screamed Seungmin’s name and clapped until his hands were an angry shade of red. Changbin can still vividly picture the way Seungmin’s had lit up at the sight of the bouquet Jisung and Changbin bought for him, the way he had tears in his eyes and hugged them close, telling them how thankful he was to have them as best friends.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the summer after Seungmin had returned from summer camp, right before Changbin’s senior year of highschool, and Seungmin looked like an entirely different person. He had gotten more handsome, his skin glowed beautifully, and his voice even sounded different. Not to mention, he had stopped wearing his glasses, much to Changbin <em> and </em>Jisung’s dismay. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the first song Changbin ever heard from Jisung, produced by his best friend’s own hands. It featured some adlibs from Seungmin, but overall, it was just Jisung’s speedy raps and smooth vocals over a chill, R&amp;B beat. It had truly been one of the most beautiful songs Changbin had ever heard, and he loved the way Jisung had glowed under Changbin's praise.</p><p> </p><p>Or maybe it was that evening, during the summer before their big fight. It had been such a calm day, and an ever calmer evening. Changbin remembers laying on Seungmin’s bed, Jisung sitting on the edge of it with his guitar, and Seungmin at his desk. Jisung and Seungmin were singing some song by a popular group at the time, bouncing lines off each other as Jisung strummed away at his instrument.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin had been keen on just listening to his best friends serenade each other, but Jisung had other plans apparently. </p><p> </p><p>“Changbinnie hyung, you know this song, right?” Jisung had asked, and strummed the opening chords to an english song. Changbin doesn’t know many, but he’s learned a few since Jisung really enjoyed them. </p><p> </p><p>He did recognize the song that Jisung is talking about. They had actually learned it together a couple weeks prior, and he knew his friend was definitely trying to rope him into joining the jam session. </p><p> </p><p>“I am not singing <em> “Count on me” </em>by Bruno Mars.” Changbin muttered, crossing his arms. “I sound horrible.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, now that’s a lie.” Both Seungmin and Jisung had told him.</p><p> </p><p>It took a little coaxing, but finally he gave in. All three of them sang together as Jisung played the chords for it. They were definitely being way too loud, but Seungmin’s parents had never cared before, so they didn’t bother with their volume.</p><p> </p><p>It was such a trivial moment in the grand scheme of things, but it was really the last good memory Changbin had of them before the inevitable turn of things after highschool graduation while Changbin was trying to adjust to being a fresh adult out of highschool. He had skipped the whole college thing since he never really knew what he wanted to major in, and eventually just ended up in a dead-end job at the local McDonalds. He had truly become exactly what he feared, and it really got to him in ways he’s still embarrassed of. Jisung and Seungmin had both made it to college, and Jisung finally got out of their shithole neighborhood. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin, on the surface, had been proud of them, but something deep inside of him, something ugly and wretched had been trying to claw its way to the top, trying to break through and unleash on his friends. As his resolve grew weaker the more he was left behind while his friends thrived, the stronger the thing inside of him grew, until it was too late to do anything about it.</p><p> </p><p>If he was given the chance, he would absolutely do everything over again. Except, which part, is the question. Would he go back and stop himself from ever interacting with Seungmin and Jisung, keep them out of his life forever? Would he just try to be a better friend to them? Honestly, he doesn’t know the answer to either of those, although the latter seems more appealing. </p><p> </p><p>However, he’s sure they would’ve been much better off without him.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve definitely had too much wine.” He sighs, and yet, he still downs the rest of the liquid in his glass so it doesn't go to waste.</p><p> </p><p>Tulip looks at him from where she lays on her bed, head cocked curiously.</p><p> </p><p>“Tomorrow, I’ll find out just how much the universe hates me.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Changbin’s friendship with Jisung had started out as nothing more than an attempt to satisfy Seungmin and make him happy. Sure, they both got along with each other just fine, but they never really saw each other outside of Seungmin. They didn’t really spend time together, just them, until the summer before Seungmin and Jisung started sophomore year.</p><p> </p><p>Things would always get lonelier when Seungmin was off at camp, and Changbin had a lot more sleepless nights in that time. He would see Jisung occasionally, like early in the mornings when he would get up to see the sunrise and Jisung would be sitting at the end of his driveway, gaze turned to the sky, a soft smile on his face. Changbin had never really thought about how much he stared at Jisung those mornings.</p><p> </p><p>It was halfway through Seungmin’s absence that it finally happened, deep into the night. Changbin couldn’t sleep, so he slipped out of his window with a backpack full of snacks and sleeveless hoodie to hide his face lest he get caught for trespassing at the local abandoned playground. When he reached the end of the driveway, he noticed a shape laying in the middle of the street, unmoving.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello?” He calls out, as quietly as he could. The body didn’t move immediately, and a bolt of fear shot through Changbin. Quickly, he runs over to the body, stopping a couple steps away. “Hello?” He says again, shakier this time.</p><p> </p><p>The person moves finally, pushing themselves on their elbows to look at Changbin. Changbin’s first reaction is to jump in surprise, And then he realizes it’s just Jisung, and he rolls his eyes in exasperation.</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, you scared the hell out of me!” He hisses, walking over to his friend to help him up. “I thought you were dead! What were you doing in the middle of the street?”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung brushes himself off and looks up at the sky once more before shrugging in response to Changbin’s question. “Stargazing.” He says, and then he catches sight of the backpack on Changbin’s back, and his face falls. “You’re not running away again, are you?”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s first reaction is shock, because Jisung genuinely looks worried - or scared? maybe both, at the prospect that Changbin might actually be trying to skip town again. And then, in that moment, it dawns on him that Jisung actually cares about him as more than just a friend he knows through Seungmin, and the only reason that the two of them aren’t closer is because of himself. </p><p> </p><p>Whenever Seungmin would come home from break, he always assumed that Changbin and Jisung would’ve been keeping each other busy in his absence, actually bonding without him. They never corrected him, they saw no reason to crush his spirits like that, but now Changbin is sifting through those memories to try and figure out if there was any indication that Jisung wished they were closer. </p><p> </p><p>In hindsight, he should be more mindful of his friends’ feelings.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Changbin frowns, and quickly shakes his head. “No, nono, I just… I couldn’t sleep, so I was going to that abandoned park down the street.” He reassures, even though for some reason, he doesn’t sound very convincing. </p><p> </p><p>Which is obvious in the way Jisung narrows his eyes. Jisung clearly doesn’t believe him, and Changbin can’t blame him. The last time he ran away wasn’t great, but mostly because he’d spent the days leading up to his escape lying to Jisung and Seungmin. He knows they’ve been trying to keep a closer eye on him, but Jisung seems to have been lacking in the time Seungmin has been gone. Changbin has barely seen Jisung as of late, and briefly he wonders if the younger might be avoiding him on purpose. </p><p> </p><p>Which, <em> good, </em> is Changbin’s first thought. And then, <em> idiot, Seungmin told you to stop thinking like that. </em></p><p> </p><p>“You said you’re going to the park?” Jisung asks, holding his hands behind his back and rocking up on the balls of his feet. Changbin nods. “I’ll come with.”</p><p> </p><p>“You… don't have to.” Changbin shakes his head, and then winces when he realizes that makes him seem even more suspicious. “Okay, fine. I know I’m not being very convincing here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sweet!” Jisung chirps, and then links his arm with Changbin’s to lead him towards the closed off park two blocks away from them.</p><p> </p><p>They’re both silent at first, passing the time walking in different ways, like a weird stepping game, or kicking a pebble back and forth, or dancing with each other to unheard music - mostly Changbin spinning Jisung around until the boy is stumbling over himself from dizziness. It’s actually nice, but for some reason, it feels like something is missing.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this weird for you?” Changbin asks when they’re half a block away from the park. “Hanging out without him?”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t have to say his name, he knows that Jisung will know he means Seungmin.</p><p> </p><p>“a little.” Jisung shrugs, and then nudges Changbin gently. “But it’s okay, we’ll make due.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin smiles.</p><p> </p><p>Sneaking into the park is a lot easier than Changbin thought it would be. They were both small enough to squeeze through an already made hole - probably from other neighborhood kids with a bit more of a rebellious streak than the pair. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung giggles excitedly and pulls Changbin over to the small jungle gym, immediately climbing up on the rusted bars. Changbin watches, a little concerned that Jisung might have an open wound on his hand that could get infected, but the boy doesn’t seem to care.</p><p> </p><p>When Jisung reaches the top, he throws his arms up with a loud whoop. “I’m on top of the world!”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin laughs at him as he drops the backpack to the ground and checks his hands, arms and legs for any open scratches, cuts, scrapes, before pulling himself up onto the jungle gym as well. Jisung scoots over slightly to make room for him when he reaches the top as well, and they both find themselves staring at the sky together.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s pretty.”  Jisung murmurs. “What if stars are actually aliens?”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin snorts, glancing at Jisung momentarily before looking at the sky again. “The poor aliens. They eventually die in a hot explosion of gas.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s Jisung’s turn to snort, and then he’s reduced to a giggling mess, hiding his face in Changbin’s shoulder. “Explosion of gas.” He manages to wheeze through his giggles. It’s such an immature reason to be laughing, but Changbin still finds himself laughing in exasperation at his friend.</p><p> </p><p>The nice thing about Jisung, is that even without Seungmin, they still get along easily. Their senses of humor are the same, and they feed off each other’s energy really well. It’s nice to have someone who matches him in different ways from Seungmin.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so dumb,” He huffs, flicking Jisung’s forehead.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck off,” Jisung swats his hand away, but there’s no real bite to his words. “What would you name one of the star aliens?”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin hums, staring up at the sky while he mulls the question over. And then he remembers Seungmin's ridiculous nickname for him, and giggles. “Pabbit. Or Pigunny. However you wanna say it.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re naming a star after yourself?” Jisung scoffs. He drops his head on Changbin’s shoulder, grabbing his hand to play with his fingers. Jisung has always been the overly touchy one between the three of them. “In that case, I’ll name mine… quokka. You know what a quokka is, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, it’s you.” Changbin teases, poking Jisung’s soft cheek. “Hannie quokka.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyuuung,” Jisung whines, rubbing his face against Changbin's shoulder. “Stop, you’re so embarrassing.”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s no one around to see us, Jisung.” Changbin gestures to the area around them, chuckling.</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin just chortles and gently nudges Jisung off his shoulder, carefully climbing back down the jungle gym to his bag. He pulls out two bags of chips and tosses one to Jisung when his friend lands in the mulch next to him, and then he makes his way to the weird castle thing where all the funky playground games are. </p><p> </p><p>They settle in the center of it with two cans of coca cola and their chips, munching away. Jisung looks even cuter when his cheeks are stuffed full of food, making them look even rounder than they already are. It brings a smile to Changbin's face.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung?” Jisung calls after he finishes his last two chips. He looks a little nervous. “Were you really trying to run away again?” </p><p> </p><p>Scratch that, he looks scared again, refusing to meet Changbin's eyes as if afraid of what he might find there.</p><p> </p><p>“No, Jisung,” Changbin reaches over to grab his hand. “I promise. I wouldn’t do that before I got a chance to see the weird shit Seungmin brings home from the mountains this year.”</p><p> </p><p>That brings a smile to Jisung’s face. His friend finally meets his eyes, his own looking a little misty, and then he closes the distance between them. Changbin’s a little taken aback by the hug, but returns it with ease. Jisung’s body relaxes in his arms, and once again, it has him smiling.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you think he’s gonna bring home this year?” Jisung asks as he shifts off Changbin to sit next to him this time, their shoulders brushing.</p><p> </p><p>“Bet he brings home a snake.” Changbin grins, dragging his finger across Jisung’s thigh to simulate a snake slithering. Jisung squeaks, immediately swatting his hand away. Changbin laughs.</p><p> </p><p>“Daisy would eat the snake.” Jisung says.</p><p> </p><p>“Probably.” Changbin snorts and folds up his empty chip bag, sticking it back in his backpack along with Jisung’s.</p><p> </p><p>“I think he’s gonna bring home some weirdly shaped rock again.” Jisung claims with a chuckle. “Remember the last one he brought home?”</p><p> </p><p>“Very clearly. He has it on display in his bedroom like it’s a museum.” </p><p> </p><p>Both of them laugh. “He’s so weird.” Jisung says between giggles.</p><p> </p><p>Time spent with Jisung is time well spent, Changbin decides, as they chase each other around the playground equipment or take turns spinning each other on the squeaky merry-go-round or pushing each other on the swings. The chain on Jisung’s swing ends up snapping and he falls on his butt with a quiet ‘oof’ but they both just laugh. Jisung tries to guess what Changbin draws in the mulch and Changbin helps make a beat on the plastic drum set for Jisung to rap to. </p><p> </p><p>A grassy field lays a couple steps away from the playground, blanketed by the night sky and the stars above. Changbin pulls a speaker and his iPod out of his bag, setting them up a few feet away and playing a slower song that he likes. Jisung gasps as soon as he hears it, whipping around to look at Changbin with sparkly eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god, hyung! You listen to Coldplay?” He exclaims.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I listen to <em> ‘Yellow’ </em>.” Changbin shrugs and gestures to the speaker before looking towards Jisung. “I don’t listen to a lot of their music though.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung pouts, regarding Changbin with narrowed eyes, and then he shrugs and holds his hands out; wiggling his fingers a little. “Dance with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Changbin scoffs. “I don’t dance.”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, dance with me, hyung,” Jisung whines, shuffling over to Changbin and pulling him close. “The world is always spinning, we can’t just stand on it.”</p><p> </p><p>So Changbin rests his hand on Jisung’s tiny waist as Jisung’s hand finds its way to his shoulder, and they sway slowly to the music. Jisung smiles at Changbin so brightly, so incandescently, and Changbin’s positive he might just melt. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re good at this,” Jisung murmurs, his voice so uncharacteristically quiet in the space between them. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin smiles, tilting his head. “I did take lessons once - before I met Seungmin.” And then, with a laugh, he shakes his head. “It was with my sister, actually. Before she took off. She was trying to distract me from our parents so she taught me to slow dance.” And then he screws up his face, trying not to laugh more as he tries to imitate her. <em> “‘Someday you’re going to find some cute boy or girl and you gotta know how to woo them!” </em>She had told me, so, yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Am I cute enough, hyung?” Jisung bats his eyelashes and pouts at him, very clearly teasing, but for some reason Changbin’s chest tightens. He’s left speechless, but Jisung doesn’t notice. “I’m kidding. Obviously I’m cute!”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sure, Sungie.” Changbin breathes. He presses his forehead to Jisung’s, the only way he can collect his composure without the boy seeing it. “Whatever you say.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung laughs and spins them around, head thrown back and hands locked behind Changbin’s head. </p><p> </p><p>When Changbin twirls Jisung and dips him, his friend laughs even louder. “You’re an amazing dancer, Binnie hyung!” The boy yells, and pulls himself back up. He spins away from Changbin and stands in the middle of the field, staring up at the stars, before collapsing into the grass with a content sigh.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin laughs to himself and settles next to his friend, staring up at the galaxies above. They twinkle and shine, comforting and safe even if they’re so far above their heads. He smiles, feeling fairly content himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung?” Jisung calls softly. He’s playing with Changbin’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s up, Hannie?”</p><p> </p><p>“I like being your friend.” Jisung murmurs. “I’ve wanted to hang out with you like this for a while now.” Changbin looks over at him as he pushes himself up to look at Changbin properly. “It’s not that weird without Seungmin. I think we’re doing just fine without him.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin can’t help the frown that crosses his features, mostly out of confusion of what Jisung means. His friend seems to understand and he breathes a slightly embarrassed chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not to say I don’t miss him, I definitely do, I just mean that-” Jisung pauses, chewing on his bottom lip as he considers his words, before he settles next to  Changbin in the grass again. “I just mean that the time spent just us is just as nice as the time spent with Seungmin. I don’t feel like there’s some missing piece to the puzzle, I think we’re all our own puzzles, except the three of us can fit that missing piece inside of us easily. Does that make sense?”</p><p> </p><p>“Like… the last piece… all three of us can fit that for each other?” Changbin asks, glancing at Jisung with a raised eyebrow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah! Exactly.” Jisung nods. “So you and I can get along and have fun just as well as we do when we’re with Seungmin, be it all three of us together, or with him separately. What I mean is, our friendship shouldn’t solely ride on our friendship with him.” And then he grabs Changbin’s hand, threading their fingers together. “I want to be close with you like I am him.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s breath hitches, and he feels tears prick at his eyes. He just doesn’t understand what his friends see in him that make him worth their time, but they both seem persistent enough that it must be something good. With a shaky sigh, he rolls onto his side and curls up against Jisung, laying his arm over him and holding him securely. He feels Jisung tense only momentarily before the boy is relaxing in his embrace.</p><p> </p><p>“I want to be close with you too.” Changbin whispers. “You and Seungmin are my favorite people.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a pause, and then Jisung inhales and presses a soft kiss to Changbin’s forehead. “We’re your family, and you're ours.”</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> And ultimately I believe we'll be okay </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> It's so cliché to say these things, but repetition is a key </em>
  </p>
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    <em> I think I'm better when I'm with you </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> But I worry when you're gone </em>
  </p>
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    <em> I think I need to learn to love myself </em>
  </p>
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    <em> I must learn to be strong </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
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</p><p>Changbin had a restless night, and an even more restless morning. He went through the motions as soon as dawn broke, brushing his teeth, showering, etc etc, with very little sleep. Despite that, he felt wide awake, nerves being the only thing keeping him on his feet.</p><p> </p><p>He hates this, honestly. He hasn’t been nervous for an appointment in months, the anxiety of potentially messing up a tattoo having worn off ages ago. But the fact that he had no idea who might walk through his doors at noon, coupled with the nagging feeling that it could potentially be his ex friends, had him trembling from the moment he left his bed that morning.</p><p> </p><p>Tulip seemed to feel his anxiety, keeping to his side most of the morning. She sat patiently as he made himself breakfast, pressed against his side on the couch as he ate, followed him to and from the bedroom as he dressed and collected his keys, wallet, etc. He almost considered bringing her to work, but figured his dog being there might be too much of a distraction. His thoughts were already all over the place as it was.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung,” Felix’s voice brings him back to the present. He jolts, looking up from the sketchbook in front of him. Felix sighs, looking between Changbin and his sketchbook. “You’ve been drawing over the same line for fifteen minutes now.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Changbin mumbles, looking down at the sketch in front of him. With a wince, he realizes he’d been sketching the tree on the hill that he, Jisung, and Seungmin had planted some years ago. Fuck. “I think I need air.”</p><p> </p><p>“Be quick.” Felix nods, checking his watch. “It’s almost noon.”</p><p> </p><p>Almost noon. Almost time. He glances at the clock on the wall before pulling his white, ink-stained apron off and setting it aside, making his way out through the back door of the shop. He sits on the half step, letting his head drop in his hands, knee bouncing uncontrollably. </p><p> </p><p>With a sigh, he pulls the carton out of his shirt pocket and produces a cigarette and his lighter from it. As he smokes it slowly, letting the toxins relax his brain, he does his best to psyche himself up. He stands and hops a little on the balls of his feet, inhaling and exhaling deeply a few times. </p><p> </p><p>Best case scenario? He looked way too into this and they’re complete strangers and he can move on with his life. Worst case scenario? He walks back inside and Felix is asking Seungmin and Jisung what they want permanently inked on their skin, and Changbin’s time on earth suddenly ends right then and there.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t avoid it. He’s the shop owner, and he made the appointment and god dammit, he really needs to get it together before he has a full blown panic attack. He exhales slowly one more time and wills his hands to stop shaking before turning on the ball of his foot. He takes one last drag of his cigarette and tosses it on the ground, stamping it out to quench the embers, and then he tosses it in the garbage can by the door.</p><p> </p><p>“You can do this, Seo Changbin.” He whispers to himself. “What’s happened is in the past.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s in the past. It’s been three years. They’re all different people now. They’ve all grown up since then. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin is no longer the person he feared becoming, and instead someone he is slowly becoming proud of.</p><p> </p><p>That’s what matters.</p><p> </p><p>When he pushes through the back room door and steps into the rest of the shop, he has a clear view of the front counter. </p><p> </p><p>And as he feared, there stands Seungmin and Jisung, looking so much more different than Changbin remembers them.</p><p> </p><p>In his mind, they were still the young and bright-eyed kids he loved so much growing up. He never knew what they would look like as adults no longer fresh out of highschool, cheeks still round and baby-ish. He never knew what they would look like in their twenties, faces filled out and more matured. Then again, he knows he had watched them both change slowly over the years, but he guesses it never really clicked in his brain since he had always seen them everyday.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin - god, Seungmin looks like an entirely different person. It almost reminds him of the summers he would come home from camp looking slightly older but still Seungmin. With his chubby left cheek and the mole on his right cheek and his sparkly eyes. Now, his jaw is more defined, his cheeks aren’t as round, his eyes are sharper. The mole is no longer there, instead replaced with a tiny scar. The thought brings a frown to Changbin’s face. He had liked that mole; Seungmin is also way taller than Changbin remembers him. He towers over Jisung and Felix. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s cheeks aren’t as round as they used to be, and his jaw is a lot sharper. He holds himself with a certain confidence that Changbin doesn’t remember him ever having, and instead of bandaids and messy hair, he wears expensive clothes and neatly styled blue bangs that hang nicely over his eyebrows. Changbin watches him laugh at something Seungmin said, and he’s relieved to know that his front tooth is still crooked. He still remembers how much Jisung had agonized over it, complaining that it grew weirdly, but Seungmin and Changbin both reassured him more than once that it just added to his charm.</p><p> </p><p>And yet, with all their differences, they still somehow look like themselves. Like the kids Changbin had grown up with. Seungmin’s eyes still sparkled boyishly, like he’s always waiting for his next chance to fire a witty remark. He still has that dopey grin that Changbin always teased him for and always secretly loved. Jisung’s smile hadn’t changed in the slightest, still wide and bright and heart-shaped. He still laughed the same, loud and full of mirth, the one that always made Changbin’s heart backflip in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>Fuck. He can’t do this. They both look so happy. Who is he to interrupt that?</p><p> </p><p>Just as he’s turning to escape out the back door again, he hears Felix’s voice calling for him, and he knows he’s screwed.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung!” Felix sounds so innocently unaware.</p><p> </p><p>With a slow exhale, he turns back around to face his past, and the boys he hurt so horribly three years ago.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin’s expression blanks when he sees Changbin, the way it always did when he was processing something heavy. Jisung gasps, tiny and barely audible, except it feels like a punch to the gut for Changbin. He feels rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to speak. It’s like his nightmares where he’d be drowning, choking on things unsaid.</p><p> </p><p>Then Seungmin’s expression shifts, and Changbin watches a million different emotions pass through his eyes; anger, grief, and maybe relief? being the most prominent ones. He grabs onto Jisung’s arm as if steadying himself, finally tearing his gaze away to stare at his converse instead.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung just pulls himself out of Seungmin’s grasp and takes a half step forward, <em> towards </em>Changbin, and as the overhead lights hit his face, Changbin can see his eyes glistening with tears. He looks like he’s in disbelief that Changbin is standing right there, and Changbin can’t move as Jisung approaches him shakily.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung-” Jisung chokes out. “Changbin hyung-”</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung-” Seungmin finally finds his voice. He’s staring at his friend, face screwed up, tears beading at the corners of his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung ignores him. Changbin looks towards Felix, who looks lost, having shrunk into the corner as if pretending he isn’t there. Then there’s hands on Changbin’s cheeks, and he’s forced to look at Jisung again.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck-” Jisung sobs, letting his hands drop. “You’re real.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sound disappointed.” Changbin rasps, his tone holding a hint of the teasing tone he would always use with Jisung. He can’t help it.</p><p> </p><p>And somehow, it makes Jisung cough out a laugh, as if it physically pains him to do so. The boy takes a small step backwards, eyes averted to the floor instead. The half smile suddenly falls from his face, his eyebrows knitting together as a fresh wave of tears spill over his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“I nev- I never thought I would- I would see you again.” Jisung admits. “I didn’t- I didn’t <em> want </em> to, I thought, but seeing you here- in front of me - with <em> tattoos </em> and a nose piercing and <em> blond hair-” </em>He gestures to all of Changbin, looking every bit frustrated as he sounds. “I realized I just- I-” He stops himself, as if he can’t say it.</p><p> </p><p>“I-” Changbin is at a loss for words. He glances at Seungmin, who’s eyes flick from Jisung to Changbin, and something in his expression shifts. He looks confused, he looks unsure, but most of all, he looks so, irrefutably, <em> sad, </em>that it makes Changbin’s heart shatter. With great focus, he puts a little more space between himself and Jisung. “You can leave, if you want to. We won’t charge you for the appointment, you-you can find someone better.”</p><p> </p><p>“Changbin-” It’s Seungmin who speaks. Hearing him say his name again strikes Changbin deep in his heart, painful and wonderful and breathtakingly lovely as it always has been. “We uh… we chose this place because we-we-”</p><p> </p><p>“They recognized your art style, hyung.” Felix finally makes himself known. “I asked them the usual, <em> “What made you choose us” </em>question, and that’s what they told me.”</p><p> </p><p>Oh<em> . </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shit. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck-” Changbin chokes out. The tears burning at his eyes threaten to spill over. “Uh- Uhm- right. What uh, what do they want?” He tries to switch to professional mode, and tries his absolute best to ignore the way Jisung crumbles and finally steps away from Changbin entirely, returning to Seungmin’s side.</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung wants a… what did you call it?” Felix looks over at the pair, brows furrowed. Jisung doesn’t respond, his tongue in his cheek as he stares at everything except the other people in the room. A second passes before Felix snaps his fingers, the lightbulb going off. “He called it “Pigunny constellation”. A mix between a pig and rabbit - and a puppy constellation.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Changbin squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head in disbelief. “I know what a Pigunny is.”</p><p> </p><p>“And Seungmin wants- well, here.” Felix grabs a piece of paper off the desk in front of him and walks over to Changbin to hand it to him. Changbin holds the paper as if it burns him to touch, and immediately recognizes the drawing on it. It’s a chibi puppy, quokka and pigunny he had drawn years ago in one of Seungmin’s notebook. He thought he had lost it, and certainly wouldn’t have expected the boy to hold onto it all this time.</p><p> </p><p>“Should I call Minho hyung to take this?” Felix asks softly, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin looks up at Seungmin and Jisung. They’re both staring at him, almost pleadingly, as if begging him to stay and ink their tattoos for them. </p><p> </p><p>“Changbin,” Seungmin says his name with such conviction, as if it’s still the most precious thing in the world to him. “Please.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin doesn’t know what to make of this entire situation, even as he sterilizes Jisung’s shoulder blade for the tattoo. He doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that Jisung is willingly letting him touch him like this, even after everything. He doesn’t know what to make of the fact that neither him nor Seungmin seem the slightest bit disgusted by him. </p><p> </p><p>He finds his thoughts drifting back to that night, when he had told them he doesn’t want them around anymore, that he can’t stand to watch them do better than him, and wonders if they ever hated him after that in the first place. If they did, they wouldn’t be here, right? Jisung wouldn’t be laid out in front of him, trusting him with the task of leaving a permanent drawing on his back. Seungmin wouldn’t be sitting a couple of feet away, eyes boring holes into Changbin’s head. This wouldn’t be happening if they actually hated him.</p><p> </p><p>“This might hurt,” Changbin murmurs, finishing off transferring the stencil print to Jisung’s skin. “Like a pinch. Although, knowing your pain tolerance, it might hurt a little more than that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Jisung nods, shifting just slightly to get comfortable. “Whenever you’re ready.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin looks over at Seungmin, who just nods. </p><p> </p><p>This feels surreal.</p><p> </p><p>The room is silent save for the electronic sound of the ink gun as Changbin follows the vibrant purple lines. Once he’s concentrated, all the shakiness in his hands dissipates and it’s as if he has tunnel vision suddenly - his only focus being the tattoo. </p><p> </p><p>He can feel Jisung tensing every once in a while, and out of a habit he thought he had broken, he gently runs his fingers through the boy’s hair to relax him. It still works just as well as it had before, and his heart stutters in his chest every time.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright,” Changbin says, finally, after what feels like forever. The tattoo is far from something complicated, but he had tried his best to be gentle with Jisung. “All done.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can I see?” Jisung asks excitedly, sitting up straight and twisting around to try and look at the raw spot on his shoulder. “It stings.” He whines after a second, pouting at Changbin.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s going to.” Changbin chuckles, picking up a mirror and holding it up so Jisung can see the tattoo. “What do you think?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, hyung,” Jisung breathes. “It’s perfect.”</p><p> </p><p>God, how he missed Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>“I'm glad you like it,” Changbin says, instinctively reverting to his customer service voice. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung wrinkles his nose, and as if it’s still a natural gesture for him, flicks Changbin’s forehead lightly. “I’m family, hyung. Why are you talking like I’m a stranger?”</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung-” Seungmin tries to interject, looking suddenly nervous as he leans forward, eyes flicking between the two.</p><p> </p><p>“Habit,” Changbin interrupts Seungmin, a gentle smile on his face. “Now, shoo, it’s Seungmin’s turn.” He waves his hands at Jisung to coax him off the chair. “And don’t touch the tattoo. Go see Felix, he’ll give you instructions to care for it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay!” Jisung slides off the chair and takes his shirt from Seungmin before skipping out of the booth and towards the front desk. </p><p> </p><p>“And then there were two.” Changbin says, regarding Seungmin cautiously. Judging from the behaviors of his childhood friends and how they interacted with him, he guesses Seungmin was still a little hesitant about being in the same room as Changbin.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin expected Jisung to be the tentative one. He’d always been a sensitive kid, and always fiercely cared about those around him. If someone broke that trust, he took it very seriously, and didn’t forgive easily. The fact that he was so easily interacting with Changbin again, after everything he said to him, is astonishing.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin - well, if Changbin had ever imagined seeing him again, he expected yelling and fists flying and anger unlike anything he had seen before. Seungmin had always been hot-headed like Jisung, just to a different degree, so this weird, quiet, stoic front that Seungmin had was a little new and Changbin isn’t sure how to handle it.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t have to take my shirt off, do I?” Seungmin asks, but it's more teasing than anything. “I mean, I’m going to be completely at your mercy once I’m in that chair. For all I know, you could be planning to ink a dick into my arm.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sound like Jisung,” Changbin snorts, gesturing to the chair after adjusting the back so it's upright once more. “C’mon, sit. And no, you don't need to take your shirt off. Just roll your sleeve up.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin follows his directions without argument. He relaxes immediately, even when Changbin grips his wrist with the latex glove and wipes a wet and soapy paper towel over the spot on his arm where the tattoo was going to be.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin can feel Seungmin’s eyes on him as he goes through the familiar motions of readying everything to stencil and eventually ink. All of this is muscle memory by now, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t put a little extra thought into it just to chase away the feeling of Seungmin’s stare.</p><p> </p><p>As he traces the lines of the stencil with the ink gun, he tries to think of something - anything to say Seungmin. He hates that he doesn’t know what to say to him anymore, doesn’t know how to talk to him like he used to. Seungmin is so different, and he’s terrified that conversation with him would be different too. So he just keeps his jaw clamped shut and focuses on the whirring sound of his equipment.</p><p> </p><p>until Seungmin opens his mouth, that is. </p><p> </p><p>“So, this is your shop?” He asks, softly, gently, as if worried he would scare Changbin off. “You own it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I do,” Changbin nods. He glances up at Seungmin through his lashes to see the boy regarding him with an unreadable expression. “All my savings went into it and I built it from the ground up - well, not the building. I built the business from the ground up.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin hums. Changbin watches him crane his neck to try and see the unfinished tattoo before letting his head thump back against the headrest. “Where’d you find Felix? You two seem close.”</p><p> </p><p>For some reason, it feels like a loaded question. Changbin chews on his bottom lip, trying to choose his wording carefully, before he finally shrugs. “I put an ad in the paper when I first opened, asking for employees. He and his boyfriend were the first ones to show up. They both helped me get back on my feet and go to therapy, all that fun stuff.” He hesitates a moment, deciding whether or not to leave it like that, before he inhales shakily and adds, “I love them and all, but… they’re not you and Jisung.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin’s breath hitches. Changbin pauses in his inking, staring pointedly at the lines as he tries to figure out if Seungmin’s reaction is going to be good or bad. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say you love someone.” Seungmin whispers. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin looks up at him to find Seungmin already staring. He opens his mouth a few times as he tries to form some kind of response, and just when thinks he’s found the words, there’s loud tapping on the wall behind him.</p><p> </p><p>“Yah! Are you two done yet?!” Jisung yells. “I wanna see Seungminnie’s tattoo!”</p><p> </p><p>A beat of silence passes before both Seungmin and Changbin are stifling giggles. Changbin shakes his head in exasperation, grabbing his paper towel to clean off the excess ink of Seungmin’s tattoo before once again following the lines. Any previous tension has since dissipated.</p><p> </p><p>“He certainly hasn’t changed much.” Changbin comments, an amused smile on his face.</p><p> </p><p>“You’d be surprised.” Seungmin says, but there’s a smile in his voice as well. “I’m sure you saw his instagram. He’s super popular on soundcloud now.”</p><p> </p><p>“I did see,” Changbin nods. “‘J.one’. Definitely sounds like him.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin’s hums, and falls quiet after that. Changbin exhales, putting the rest of his focus into finishing the last few details of the tattoo. When he wipes it off one last time and sets the gun down, Seungmin’s eyes light up excitedly. He lifts his arm up, inspecting the tattoo, before his bright smile makes an appearance.</p><p> </p><p>“This is so good, Changbin.” Seungmin gushes, finally meeting Changbin’s eyes. “I think you’ve really found something that suits you.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin feels a little bashful. He looks down at the tray next to him, absently playing with some plastic scraps. “Yeah, well, when I had nothing else, I had my art. Figured I might as well try to make that the foundation of my future.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin’s face falls for some reason. Changbin glances at him only for a second before he quickly looks down at his lap. “Sorry, I just - I mean -” He’s feeling hot under Seungmin’s stare. “I-I-”</p><p> </p><p>“I never got an answer!” Jisung interrupts, again, this time standing in the entryway of the booth. He has his shirt on again, but it’s positioned weirdly on his shoulder; presumably to make his shoulder blade more comfortable.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin jolts, pushing his chair away from Seungmin’s to face Jisung, pointing at Seungmin. “It’s finished.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung gasps, eyes sparkling. He rushes over to Seungmin, gently grasping his wrist to get a good look at the tattoo. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin smiles, watching them for only a second, before it suddenly feels like he’s intruding. With a sigh, he pushes himself up, organizing his things before leaving the booth to join Felix at the front desk. His friend looks up from the sketchbook in front of him, the paper filled with silly little doodles of Tulip, Changbin, Jeongin, himself. It makes Changbin smile fondly.</p><p> </p><p>“Is that me as a pizza?” Changbin points at the paper, raising an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>Felix giggles, looking at the paper and then at Changbin, holding his hands under his chin in a ‘V’ shape. “Cause you’re so pointy.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin laughs and pulls up a spare chair, plopping into it next to Felix and flipping to a clean page on the sketchbook, drawing a little bird with hair like Felix’s. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay, hyung?” Felix asks softly. He rests his chin on Changbin’s shoulder, nose brushing against his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know yet.” Changbin murmurs, hand stilling momentarily on the paper. He chews at a scab on his lip, eyes narrowed as he thinks hard about the question. “It feels surreal, seeing them again.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix hums and sits up straight. “We’ll talk more about this later.” He murmurs, and stands up to greet Seungmin and Jisung as they walk out into the lobby area. Changbin watches him give Seungmin the instructions for tattoo care, and then he realizes that Jisung is approaching him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Jisung huffs, plopping into the chair next to Changbin. “I’m uh… I’m proud of you.” He says, even though he sounds a little awkward saying it. “I worried for the past three years that you might not be… okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“How did you find me?” Changbin asks. It’s not accusatory, though he does feel a little cautious. </p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin and I are friends with one of the employees. Minho hyung?” He says, and Changbin exhales, dropping his head in his hand. “We had been talking about getting birthday tattoos so naturally he recommended this place. We didn’t know about you because Minho hyung never actually talked about his job that much, but we had our suspicions when we saw the doodles you would post occasionally on instagram.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin rubs his face, scrunching up his eyes and leaning back in his seat. He looks over at Jisung, tapping the desk a couple times before he reaches over to tap Jisung’s nose with his knuckle. “If it hadn’t been me?”</p><p> </p><p>“I guess we would’ve just moved on.” Jisung shrugs. He glances behind Changbin, where Felix and Seungmin are chatting, before he looks at Changbin again. “Honestly, though? We had been trying to find you for a while.” </p><p> </p><p>“What?” Changbin frowns, confused. “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung smiles and shrugs, leaning back in the chair and swinging back and forth in it a little. “Wanted to see what our little Pigunny was up to these days.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin looks away, his frown deepening. “How are you not angry?” He asks. “I said some pretty nasty things last time I saw you two. I thought you hated me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, have you been beating yourself up about that for the last three years?” Jisung sounds genuinely concerned. He reaches over and rests a hand on Changbin’s arm to get his attention. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin sticks his tongue in his cheek, searching Jisung’s face as if it held all the answers. With a sigh, he just shakes his head and taps the desk again. “Your tattoos are on the house.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Jisung blanks, a small pout on his lips. “But - shouldn’t we pay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Really, it’s all taken care of.” Changbin shakes his head, and stands up abruptly. Jisung stares after him, looking distressed, but he doesn’t stop Changbin as he walks over to Seungmin and Felix.</p><p> </p><p>“Changbin,” Seungmin greets, face softening immediately. It tears Changbin's heart to pieces. “Thank you. For the tattoos.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s no trouble at all.” Changbin is using his customer service voice again, because it's the only way he can mask the absolute agony tormenting just below the surface suddenly. </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin’s face contorts into something different, something akin to hurt. He opens his mouth to say something more, only to remember that Felix is standing there, so he backs down. “I’m glad to see you’re doing well, then. Maybe we’ll see you around.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin hates that he’s backing down so easily. Part of him is screaming at Seungmin to fight harder, to try and fix things right then and there. But then he wonders if things even are fixable, if it’s worth fixing things. </p><p> </p><p>Probably not, he decides, and his heart shatters a little more. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, maybe.” Changbin nods, and watches Jisung finally come to Seungmin’s side. “Keep each other safe, okay?” </p><p> </p><p>And then he remembers its Jisung’s <em> birthday, </em> and, <em> fuck.  </em></p><p> </p><p>With a forced smile, he adds, “And, happy birthday, by the way. I wish it could’ve gone better.”</p><p> </p><p>Tears roll down Jisung’s face, and he stubbornly wipes them away. “Thank you,” he rasps, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll keep each other safe.” Seungmin reassures, but his expression is pained.  He rests a hand on Jisung’s shoulder as he looks at Felix. “Keep him safe too, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Felix looks between him and Changbin before he smiles and nods. “I’ve been trying for the past year - Jeonginnie and I. I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Seungmin’s voice sounds edged. He meets Changbin’s eyes once more before nudging a silent Jisung towards the door.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung doesn’t budge right away, eyes locked on Changbin. A moment of hesitation passes before Jisung is hugging him tightly, holding onto him like it’s his last lifeline. “I love you, you asshole.” Jisung whispers, so low that only Changbin can hear it. “Please don’t be a stranger.”</p><p> </p><p>And then Seungmin is leading him towards the door, and Changbin can only watch helplessly as the two people he loves most in this world walk out of his life for a second time, and a bittersweet feeling settles in his chest. </p><p>
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</p><p>His own exhaustion is what Changbin had chalked it up to years ago when it happened. Just pure exhaustion from work and caring for his sickly mother and trying to figure out how he’s going to scrape together the money to pay for his sister’s hospital bills. Nothing more.</p><p> </p><p>Ego is what he chalks it up to years later, when he’s a little older, a little more mature, and less in his head about everything.</p><p> </p><p>He really made a scene that night, outside the local diner. Seungmin had just wanted to share something exciting with him and Jisung, and he had to go and ruin that for him. </p><p> </p><p>Hell, it was even one of the few breaks in between classes that Seungmin had enough time to come back to his hometown to see him and Jisung. Changbin, at the time, had let his foul mood get in the way of just <em> enjoying </em>being together again, the three of them.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, okay,” Seungmin beams, practically vibrating in his seat. </p><p> </p><p>On any other night, Changbin would smile fondly, would listen closely in anticipation of what Seungmin had to share. Tonight, he just scowled and stared out the window, arms crossed and hood up. Neither of his friends really noticed his foul mood, which just added to it, fueled it farther. They never had time for him anymore these days, anyways. He doesn’t know what he expected.</p><p> </p><p>“So, my professor finally confirmed the six week trip to europe for our end of the year trip, which is in a couple of weeks.” Seungmin explains, clapping excitedly. “And we’re allowed to bring someone.”</p><p> </p><p>One person. Which means only one of them. Changbin figures he’ll pick Jisung. He usually does, anyways. </p><p> </p><p>“Now, I know that hyung works long hours, and I don’t know if your boss would let you off for six weeks…” Seungmin trails off, gesturing to Changbin with one hand. Changbin barely spares him a glance, shrugging, and he misses the look that Seungmin and Jisung share. “Right, and ‘Sung’s schedule is a little more flexible, he can get his lessons online, etcetera etcetera.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yep,” Jisung confirms, sounding way too chipper. Why is everyone in such a good mood today?</p><p> </p><p>“But here’s the clincher,” Seungmin is giggling and any other day, Changbin would coo, but tonight it’s just utterly grating. He feels like he’s going to explode. “My parents agreed to help pay extra expenses so I could bring both of you because I just couldn’t choose. I mean, that’d be like asking my parents to choose between their children. You’re both my favorite, so I wouldn’t pick one over the other.”</p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin!” Jisung exclaims, slapping his hands on the table. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin flinches, jaw clenching, and he curls in on himself even more. There’s a quick silence that follows before Jisung’s arm is sliding around his waist and Seungmin is leaning into his vision. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, is everything alright?” Seungmin asks, frowning in concern. </p><p> </p><p>He hasn’t told them about his mom, and he definitely hasn’t told them about his sister being in the hospital currently, and he <em> absolutely </em>hasn’t told them that the more they talk about their achievements, the more he feels a bit of himself chip away. As far as his friends are concerned, he’s just exhausted. And that’s exactly what he’s going to let them keep believing.</p><p> </p><p>“Tired,” He mumbles. Jisung’s rubbing soothing circles into his side and he hates how easily he relaxes under his friend’s touch. “The trip sounds fun, Seungmin, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go. You and Jisung have fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Seungmin stares at him in disbelief, looking at Jisung momentarily before he’s reaching a hand out for Changbin’s, who rests his on top of Seungmin’s palm; almost involuntarily. “It wouldn’t feel right without you, though. I just won’t go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin,” Changbin sighs and sits up straighter, gently shrugging Jisung off and holding Seungmin’s hand up to his lips. He could be as angry as humanly possible, but it wouldn’t stop him from being nothing more than tender and sweet with his best friends - even if they're the cause of his anger. “You deserve this trip. You and Jisung will have lots of fun without me, and that’s okay. We can just… make up for it in the future.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin stares at their joined hands, at his hand hovering a few centimeters away from Changbin’s lips, and then he narrows his eyes at Changbin’s face, inspecting him closely. It’s in that moment that Changbin realizes he can’t hide anymore, because no one knows him better than Seungmin and Jisung, and he can’t help that he’s an easy read when it comes to them.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s something else going on.” Seungmin states matter-of-factly.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> There it is. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“There’s nothing, Min.” Changbin shakes his head, but his hands tremble when he lets go of Seungmin’s. “I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“Every time you say that, you're not okay.” Seungmin sighs. “Talk to us, hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin saw this coming, and yet he still bristles. Will Seungmin just <em> stop </em> trying so hard all the time? He says that like it’s just another wonderful, shiny day in his perfect little neighborhood. Nothing to worry about except maybe a small power outage, but why does that matter with the wonderful invention of cellular data? Seungmin has no idea what his daily life is like, can’t even begin to <em> fathom </em>just how hard it is to pull himself out of bed everyday. </p><p> </p><p><em> There is no talking about it. </em> Changbin thinks bitterly. <em> It won’t make it any better. </em></p><p> </p><p>“Hyung,” Seungmin pushes again, reaching across the table to rest a hand on his arm. “<em> Please.” </em></p><p> </p><p>“There's nothing to talk about!” Changbin snaps, even raising his voice. He braces his hands on the table, staring at the speckled surface. “Just go back to talking about your fancy classes or whatever the hell you do everyday at that college.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung-” Jisung tries to interject, hand reaching out for Changbin, but he’s quickly shut down by Changbin’s hand on his wrist.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin stares at Jisung, and then shoots a glare at Seungmin, warning them both. He crawls over Jisung to leave the booth. He needs to breathe, and fast, before he ends up panicking.</p><p> </p><p>It’s raining when he steps outside, pressing himself against the wall and sliding down into a crouching position. He grasps the sides of his head, staring at the concrete under him, trying his best to regulate his breathing.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a hand on his shoulder and a presence beside him. He jumps, whipping around to see Seungmin looking at him with that same frown from before.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, please.” He pleads, and some small part of Changbin knows he means well, but he’s not listening to that part anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you care?” He spits, glaring holes into Seungmin. “You and Jisung have that fancy college with a good future and good friends and your fun little trips and all that shit. Why do you need someone like me? Am I just a charity case for you now? For both of you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Where is this coming from?” Seungmin sounds worried more than anything, but Changbin can hear the hint of annoyance leaking into his tone.</p><p> </p><p>“I am, right? Oh, poor little Changbin, can’t do anything on his own. His mother is dying, his father skipped town, and his sister is hospitalized and what is he doing?” As gently as his anger will allow, he shrugs Seungmin off and stands, gesturing to the diner. “He’s having burgers and fries with Seungmin and Jisung, who think they can just throw money and expensive shit at him to make themselves feel better.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung-”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t need you,” Changbin mutters, fists clenching at his sides. “And you don’t need me. I <em> can </em> do things on my own and I don’t need your stupid trips or your stupid charity.” He rounds on Seungmin, and for the first time in all the years that Changbin has known him, Seungmin actually looks <em> scared. </em>“You’ve been treating both of us like charity for years, and now Jisung’s up in your corner of the world, and both of you think you can just keep laughing at me.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’re not-” Seungmin tries to grab his hand, arm, shoulder, anything, but Changbin swats his hands away. “Hyung!” He snaps, glaring at Changbin. He’s trying to seem angry, but he truly looks scared.</p><p> </p><p>“No!” Changbin yells, taking a couple steps away from Seungmin. He spots Jisung, then, cowering in the doorway, eyes wide with fear as he watches Changbin. “Just- both of you leave me alone. I don’t want to see anymore. I’m tired of sitting here and watching as you two just leave me behind because suddenly you’re loads better than me. I won’t stand for it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, please.” Seungmin is in tears now, reaching helplessly for Changbin. He knows he's lost, so why is he still trying? “Please, let's just… talk about this. Let's fix this.”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s nothing to fix!” Changbin is screaming now. The rain is pelting down hard around them, practically drowning out their voices. “What the hell is talking going to do?! Nothing! So just leave me alone! Leave me behind! You’ve already started, so here, I’m helping you finish!”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung is crying now. His face is wet, eyes glistening, and bottom lip quivering. Seungmin is trying not to break down into sobs, but the tears streaming down his face make it hard to believe he’s doing a good job at that.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just… tired.” Changbin finally says defeatedly, shoulders slumping. “I’m done. Have a nice life, you two.”</p><p> </p><p>The rain is cool against his skin as he walks home. Neither Seungmin or Jisung went after him, and he’s glad. The house is mostly dark when he steps inside, except for the TV playing some old noir film. He spots his mother asleep on the couch and sighs, throwing a blanket over her before retreating to his bedroom to change out of his wet clothes and into pajamas.</p><p> </p><p>When he’s burrowed in his bed, under layers of blankets and surrounded by pillows, does he finally cry. From exhaustion, from the pain of saying all that to his friends, from grief for his mother and sister, from missing his dad. Everything’s just gotten so hard, and he really doesn't know why he keeps getting up everyday. Why is he still fighting?</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em> So, for now we'll say goodbye </em>
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    <em> Although it pains me in my heart </em>
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    <em> Your words they come to me in memories </em>
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    <em> They sing to me like songs </em>
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    <em> It won't be long until I'm here </em>
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    <em> Soon I'll make my arrival </em>
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    <em> Under shady trees </em>
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    <em> A quiet street </em>
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    <em> The roads that I have traveled </em>
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</p><p>Changbin hasn’t been to his local bar in months, but he’s still greeted as a friend when he walks through the doors two days later. The bartender - Bambam - immediately gets to work on making a cocktail for him. He’s known the man for a while, and he’s nice enough. Always makes sure Changbin is drinking water in between his drinks and managing his alcohol okay and gets home safe. He had also helped pay the vet expenses for Tulip before Changbin had the funds to do so, so he really owes Bambam a lot.</p><p> </p><p>“You look tired, man,” Bambam says as he sets the glass in front of him, topping it off with a little paper umbrella. “Haven’t seen you in a minute. What’s been going on?”</p><p> </p><p>“Work,” Changbin answers, swirling the liquid around with his straw. “Felix and Jeongin finally got me to kick the bar hopping habit, so I usually stick to drinking wine in my apartment. Besides, I’ve been too busy to drown myself in alcohol these days anyways.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah? Proud of you, dude.” Bambam smiles and leans on the counter, gesturing to him. “Tell me about it.”</p><p> </p><p>So he catches Bambam up on everything, regaling funny work stories to him, like the time Felix spilled ink everywhere or the dozens of girls who come in for infinity tattoos, but specifically leaves out the parts about Jisung and Seungmin. He wants to keep that part of him on lockdown as best he can, even now. He updates Bambam on Tulip, and the man giddily tells Changbin that he wants to come by and see her soon.</p><p> </p><p>He’s on his second drink when Bambam frowns at him, propping his chin on his hand. “You sound like you’re doing great, Changbin. So what brings you here?”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin hums, looking around the dim bar. The neon lights make his eyes hurt. He looks back at Bambam and shrugs. “Nostalgia? I don’t know, I just felt like paying you a visit.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aw, still as charismatic as always.” Bambam jokes, reaching across the bar to ruffle his hair. Changbin wrinkles his nose. “On another note,” Bambam sighs, glancing over Changbin's shoulder. “I think you have an admirer.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Changbin pauses, staring at his friend in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“Someone took care of your tab already.” Bambam answers, pointing behind Changbin. “He’s in the corner booth, over there. Real cute, round cheeks. Kind of resembles a squirrel.”</p><p> </p><p>When Changbin spins around to see who could be taking an interest in him, his heart drops into his stomach at the sight of Jisung, sipping on a brightly colored drink, eyes regarding Changbin cooly. With a scowl, Changbin turns back to his drink and stares into it. </p><p> </p><p>“Get me another one - one of the more expensive ones.” Changbin tells Bambam, pointing at his drink. If Jisung wanted to pay for him, so be it.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe that’s a little petty, and he really has no room to do so, but Jisung is being weird so he thinks it's at least a little justified.</p><p> </p><p>“You know the guy?” Bambam raises an eyebrow as he begins mixing the drink for him. </p><p> </p><p>“Too well.” Changbin sighs, throwing one more look over his shoulder at Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>When he finishes the second drink and half of the third drink, he finally pushes himself from the barstool and takes himself and his cocktail over to Jisung’s table. Even with so much alcohol in his system, he can’t seem to quell the anxiety boiling in his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey there, stranger.” Jisung says when Changbin comes to a stop in front of him. “Take a seat.” </p><p> </p><p>And Changbin does. He sits across from Jisung, fingers toying with the paper umbrella in his drink, eyes pointed at the table.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you know I’d be here?” Changbin asks. </p><p> </p><p>“No,” Jisung answers honestly. “Just coincidence.”</p><p> </p><p>“Let me pay for your tab, since you took mine.” Changbin offers. He accidentally tears the paper of the umbrella and scowls.</p><p> </p><p>“Already taken care of,” Jisung chortles.</p><p> </p><p>A fond chuckle passes Changbin lips as he shakes his head. “Oh, Jisung,” he sighs. Jisung’s breath hitches.</p><p> </p><p>The last time he was alone with Jisung, it had been a quiet night at the beach. They sat in Changbin’s car, watching the sunset with the windows down and the radio blasting. There had been no one else in the parking lot, and when Changbin thinks back on it, he thinks he had wanted Jisung to kiss him then. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, Jisung had just held his hand tightly, as if he might slip away, and told him he loved him. The whisper had almost been lost on the wind, and Changbin still regrets not saying it back.</p><p> </p><p>“How’s your tattoo?” Changbin breaks the silence again, finally glancing up to meet Jisung’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Still tender,” Jisung shrugs. “But good.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin nods and looks back at his drink. With a sigh, he takes a big sip of it and slumps back in his seat, hands pressed flat against the table. As he opens his mouth to say something, Jisung interrupts.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve missed you, hyung.” He says. “I wanted to say it before, but…” He trails off, looking at the empty spot next to him and then at Changbin. “But I was scared.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of me?” Changbin can’t help that it slips out. the last time he had seen Changbin, he had been terrified of him. </p><p> </p><p>“No, of losing you again.” Jisung shakes his head. “I never hated you. I never stopped thinking about you. I would check the news everyday, for some kind of word on you. Though, I always worried it would be because you were-” He stops himself, brow furrowing. Changbin knows what he means. “I’ve just missed you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung…” Changbin sighs, dragging a hand through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to say it back.” Jisung scrambles to say, waving his hands. “I don’t expect you to. I know you’ve never been great at expressing feelings, and honestly I’ve been sure that you hated <em> us, </em>so, don’t feel pressured to say it back. I just have to tell you before I lose the chance to do so.”</p><p> </p><p>“I have missed you.” Changbin blurts, meeting Jisung’s surprised face. “Everyday. For three years. I regretted what I said, wished I could go back and do things differently. God, I’m so sorry, Jisung. I said so many hurtful things. I was having a rough time and I was only thinking of myself and <em> my </em>struggles that I didn’t stop to think about you and Seungmin and- I’m just sorry. You didn’t deserve to hear that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can't speak for Seungmin, but personally? I forgave you a long time ago. You were shouldering a lot back then, with your mom and your sister and your dad and everything else, no one can blame you for cracking under pressure. You’ve always been a person who feels too much.” Jisung smiles almost sadly. “You just did a good job at hiding it.” He pauses, sticking his tongue in his cheek as he regards Changbin with an unreadable expression.</p><p> </p><p>“It hurt, for a long time.” He admits finally, releasing a sigh. “And I was mad for awhile too. But I loved you more than I was mad, and I missed you more than I hurt. I just wanted you back, hyung. I wanted you back, I wanted to fix things, I wanted to tell you that above everything - school, work, my fancy trips and school friends - you and Seungmin were and always have been my top priorities.” </p><p> </p><p>Jisung really has always been the most sensitive, and it's in times like this that Changbin is reminded that in a way, he’s also always been the most mature among the three of them - at least, after he graduated middle school, that is. Middle school, he was the most loud-mouthed of the three, and responsible for 90% of their trouble. </p><p> </p><p>Most people assumed Seungmin was the mature one, but as he got older, the more he tended to blow up a lot due to his short temper. Seungmin was gentle and kind and soft spoken most of the time, unless you gave him good reason to explode on you - which he tended to do often. Changbin had a habit of bottling things up until he broke down, or swinging fists first and asking questions later, and he never knew how to just talk things out. Jisung was always the level - headed one, always the first one to empathize and figure out a solution, and always had such sage words to give. It’s one of the things Changbin always loved about him.</p><p> </p><p>“So, to reiterate, I’ve already forgiven you.” Jisung locks eyes with him, looking more serious than Changbin has ever seen. “But have you forgiven yourself?”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin opens his mouth a couple of times, brain scrambling for words. The obvious answer is, <em> no, he definitely hasn’t, </em>but why? Maybe because he was waiting for a chance to redeem himself to Jisung and Seungmin, maybe because he just didn't want to - felt like he didn’t deserve to. With a frown, he looks away from Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>“I was such an asshole back then,” He sighs, rubbing harshly at his face. “Why did you try so hard with me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” Jisung taps his chin, a coy smile on his face. “For one, I was in love with you for some dumbass reason. Even with your weird music taste and lame love for chocolate ice cream and corny jokes. I was in love with Seungmin too, but this isn’t about him right now.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Changbin blanks, staring at Jisung in disbelief. He can’t find the words to answer that.</p><p> </p><p>“And, funnily enough, that hasn’t gone away.” Jisung admits. Changbin definitely doesn’t remember him ever being this confident. “Not one bit.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung-”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to feel bad you never knew, and I don’t expect anything.” Jisung interrupts, and reaches across the table to thread his fingers with Changbin’s. Changbin lets him, tears pricking at his eyes. “Like I said, I had to tell you before I lost the chance to do so.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s bottom lip trembles. He looks down at his drink and pushes it away with shaky hands. “I’ve been drinking too much for this,” He tries to joke and seems to have succeeded because Jisung huffs a wet laugh. Changbin feels his heart soar, lifting Jisung’s hand to press a featherlight kiss to his knuckles. “I feel like I’m dreaming. When I imagined us crossing paths again, never in a million years would I have imagined - <em> this.” </em></p><p> </p><p>“Don’t feel any pressure, hyung - <em> Changbin, </em>” He says his name it’s a treasure to be protected at all costs. “I’m sure you need to process.”</p><p> </p><p>“I need to talk to Seungmin,” Changbin murmurs, closing his eyes and tightened his hold on Jisung’s hand - as if afraid he might slip away. “Things have always happened, the three of us. This - <em> feelings, </em>shouldn’t be any different. We should be on the same page.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s breath hitches, and Changbin squeezes his hand.</p><p> </p><p>It’s always been Seungmin, Jisung, and Changbin. Changbin can’t imagine a future where he’s with anyone except them. Before they appeared in his shop the other night, he had expected to go through life alone forever, just him and his dog. Now, <em> well.  </em></p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Jisung finally exhales. “Alright.” He adds, and then he pushes his drink away and leans closer to Changbin, gesturing to him with his free hand; smiling all the while. “Catch me up on the rest of your life, in the meantime.”</p><p> </p><p>“Only if you do the same,” Changbin looks at him through his lashes, and is pleased to see Jisung smiling happily at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Promise.”</p><p> </p><p>So Changbin tells him that his mother passed a few months after the fight (<em> “She told me that I needed to focus on Chohee noona. I needed to help her recover from her accident.” </em> Changbin had explained through tears. <em> “Ma told me that she was sorry for the life she provided for noona and I, and that we needed to look out for each other, not her. I had no choice, ma didn’t give me a choice to save her.” </em> Jisung rubbed his thumb over his knuckles. <em> “I felt helpless.” </em>).</p><p> </p><p>On a lighter note, he told Jisung about Tulip - and Jisung was <em> very </em>excited to know that Changbin had a dog -, he told Jisung about work, about Jeongin and Felix, about therapy, and everything new and good in his life. Jisung told him he was proud of him. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin learned that Jisung had graduated college and was now an educated producer and musician, with a huge following on soundcloud. He learned that Jisung travelled occasionally, and that he and Seungmin were living in a fancy apartment near the recording studio Jisung frequented. He learned that Jisung had taken up art as well, but he wasn’t nearly as good as Changbin - they both chuckled at that. Changbin told him he was also proud - and he meant it from the bottom of his heart.</p><p> </p><p>They took a cab back to Changbin’s place, where they parted with a tight hug and a promise of seeing each other again soon, and as Changbin watched the cab take Jisung away, he no longer felt bittersweet about letting him go a third time. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, he felt hopeful.</p><p>
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</p><p>Tattooing the fake molds Changbin uses to train new employees is sort of cathartic for him, but not as cathartic as getting a new tattoo himself. </p><p> </p><p>He keeps his eyes closed as the needles glide across his skin, tingly and pinching, but he barely notices it anymore. Felix’s hand is warm on his skin, even through his latex glove, and it keeps Changbin grounded.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you getting again?” Jeongin asks from the otherside of Changbin. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin blinks his eyes open to look at his friend. “Constellations.” He answers, and then realizes that isn’t what Jeongin meant. “It’s uh, well, Jisung and I once talked about how stars could be aliens and then named two after ourselves so I’m getting a quokka and a puppy on my shoulder blade - I guess I got inspired.”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin smiles. “Remember when I asked you if you’ve ever been in love?” </p><p> </p><p>Felix makes a curious noise. He pauses in his actions, looking between his boyfriend and his friend. “You asked him what?”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin shrugs, crossing one leg over the other and gesturing to Changbin. His smile grows into something more mischievous now. “I asked him if he’s ever been in love. He then admitted that he loves us. Not in so many words, but I knew what he meant.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Jeongin </em>,” Changbin grumbles, hiding his face with his arm. “That sounds so incriminating out of context.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aww, Binnie hyung,” Felix coos. He pats Changbin’s back, giggling. “I love you too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just finish my tattoo.” Changbin hisses, and both of his friends laugh then.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyways,” Jeongin sighs as Felix resumes inking Changbin’s skin. “I’m bringing it up again because of Seungmin and Jisung. For someone who tries to keep his emotions locked down, you really are an easy read when it comes to them, hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>Which is something Changbin has known for years. With a soft chuckle, he rubs his face and looks at Jeongin, smiling bittersweetly. “Yeah, I know.”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin's smile softens and he reaches over to ruffle Changbin’s hair before standing to greet the new client who just walked in. Changbin appreciates him a lot, just as much as he appreciates Felix. He’s been in turmoil over the sudden feelings resurfacing for Seungmin and Jisung, especially after his conversation with Jisung a couple of nights ago. He told his friends about it, and they were able to provide him with enough counsel that let him figure out how to proceed, and with that in mind, he had dmed Seungmin and asked when he would be available next.</p><p> </p><p>Which is today.</p><p> </p><p>Actually, he’s probably already here.</p><p> </p><p>“All done.” Felix announces and puts the ink gun aside before helping Changbin into a sitting position. He holds the mirror up to let him see the finished tattoo, and practically lights up at the happy smile on Changbin’s face.</p><p> </p><p>“Looks amazing, Lix.” Changbin says, reaching over to pat Felix’s head. He opts for leaving his shirt off for now, after all this is his shop and it’s warm enough outside that he’ll be comfortable regardless.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad you like it, hyung.” Felix moves to allow Changbin off the chair, instead busying himself with other such things around his booth.</p><p> </p><p>When Changbin steps out into the lobby, Seungmin is in fact standing there at the counter, chatting with Jeongin. He leans against the little half wall separating the lobby from the tattoo booths and smiles to himself. It feels a little surreal, seeing his past talking to his present. They seem like they’re getting along wonderfully, and it makes Changbin’s heart soar. The last thing he would’ve wanted is for either of them to resent the other.</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin finally notices Changbin watching and he smiles, waving him over. “Hyung!”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin whips around, eyes wide. As soon as Changbin meets his stare, his face turns a soft shade of pink and he averts his gaze to the counter in front of him; suddenly much more interested in the small succulents Felix bought some weeks ago.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Changbin says as he steps up to his friends, leaning against the counter. </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin glances at him out of the corner of his eye, and then he notices the tattoo, and his eyebrows shoot up into his bangs. “You got-”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin nods and pulls his card out of his wallet, handing it to Jeongin who takes it, smirking. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyung, you realize this money goes right back into your bank, right?” The boy says as he swipes the card and taps a couple of buttons on the screen.</p><p> </p><p>“And the rest of the employees.” Changbin shrugs. “It’ll probably get split every which way when I give everyone their paychecks this weekend.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t argue with that.” Jeongin chuckles and hands Changbin his card back.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you work here?” Seungmin suddenly asks, the curious question directed at Jeongin.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm, no.” Jeongin shakes his head, then pauses, and laughs. “Well, sometimes. Not officially. I just know how to work the counter so when the shop’s busy or Felix and Changbin are taking a smoke break and I don’t have classes, I’ll take care of this for them.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin sticks his tongue in his cheek, processing the answer. And then he looks over at Changbin, frowning. “You smoke now?”</p><p> </p><p>“And drink, occasionally.” Changbin answers too quickly - he knew the question was coming. “I don’t smoke much, though. Hurts my throat. And it’s kind of gross. It’s mostly when I need to relax.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah,” Seungmin hums and nods. He even looks a little relieved, and Changbin doesn’t know how to take that.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyways,” Changbin inhales, standing up straight and tapping the counter. “I have a couple more clients so you’re welcome to hang out until I’m done. We can go get dinner or something afterwards.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin just nods again and picks a pen off the counter, holding it upright against the surface and twirling it with his index. Changbin watches the motion for a second too long before quickly shaking his head and returning to his booth to wait for his next client. </p><p> </p><p>The rest of the day passes in a blur, too fast for Changbin’s liking, until suddenly he’s putting up his tools for the evening and locking up the shop. Felix and Jeongin had left a couple hours prior, something about a date night.</p><p> </p><p>The few times Changbin had seen Seungmin in between appointments, he had been chatting up a storm with Felix and Jeongin until the couple had to leave. They still seemed to be getting along, so that's one less thing Changbin had to worry about.</p><p> </p><p>Until he was suddenly alone with Seungmin, and, <em> well.  </em></p><p> </p><p>For some reason, when it’s just the two of them, it’s like there’s something heavy in the air. It’s not quite bad, but it’s not quite good either. Changbin figures its because Seungmin had mostly been on the receiving end of Changbin’s outburst that night years ago, had looked directly into his eyes as he spit out the words that burned his mouth. Seungmin probably has some unresolved tension with Changbin, and he definitely can’t be faulted for that.</p><p> </p><p>“I like your shop,” Seungmin comments as Changbin locks the back door. They walk side by side to Seungmin’s car, since Changbin had left the restaurant up to Seungmin’s choice. “And your friends.”</p><p> </p><p>“I think they like you too.” Changbin nods. He sticks his hands in his hoodie pocket while Seungmin unlocks his prius - <em> holy shit, where did he find the money for such an expensive car </em> - and gets in after the boy. </p><p> </p><p>As the car speeds down the street, the pair are left in the heavy silence. Neither of them know what to say, and it gives Changbin too much time to think.</p><p> </p><p>He thinks about the last time he was alone with Seungmin. It was a couple weeks before Seungmin would be moving upstate for university, and Changbin was selfishly stealing most of his time - at least, the hours that Jisung wasn’t doing the same, since Jisung was going to a performing arts college only a half hour away from home.</p><p> </p><p>He still remembers how Seungmin’s eyes had sparkled as they sang together at their tree. The sun had started its climb across the sky, reds and oranges turning into cotton candy pinks and eventually vivid blues that looked like an ocean in the sky. Changbin can remember it so clearly, can remember the sound of the guitar, the feeling of the strings against his fingers, the feeling of Seungmin’s hands in his hair, on his cheeks, down his neck. His skin still tingled from his touch, years later.</p><p> </p><p>Why hadn’t he just told Seungmin and Jisung then? Why hadn’t he told them what they meant to him, that he loved them, that he didn’t want to go through life without them? </p><p> </p><p>And yet, in the end, his own ego ended up causing that anyways. And he still hates himself for it.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re thinking too loudly,” Seungmin breaks the silence, finally. “I can hear it from here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just—” Changbin shifts, pulling his knees to his chest and letting his head loll against the window. “Remembering.”</p><p> </p><p>“Remembering what?” Seungmin hums, reaching over to turn the almost silent radio off.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin sticks his tongue in his cheek, trying to decide what to say. Finally, he sighs and looks over at Seungmin. “Remember the day we planted the tree?”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin spares him a quick glance, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, of course. I remember how dirty Jisung got and I remember you tripping over the hole we were supposed to put the sapling in.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Seungmin </em>,” Changbin whines, dropping his head in his hands. “Embarrassing.” </p><p> </p><p>“You big baby,” Seungmin laughs and reaches over to tug at Changbin’s ear gently.</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever.” Changbin grumbles and slumps in the seat, watching streetlights whiz past. “I remember you accidentally stepping on an earthworm and having a whole breakdown because you’d killed the poor thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“It didn’t deserve that!” Seungmin exclaims, pouting. “I just took it’s life! Of course I’m gonna cry! You have no room to speak—” He points at Changbin. “You’ve cried over commercials about dogs.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck off!” Changbin laughs, slapping Seungmin’s hand away with a shake of his head. “<em> You </em> cried watching Frozen.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you, Frozen is an emotional family film.” Seungmin fires back. “Elsa thawed Anna’s heart because she loved her! Through the power of familial love! Their special bond as sisters! I think you’re heartless for <em> not </em>crying.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, please,” Changbin scoffs, waving dismissively. “That’s so <em> cheesy. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. You’re just boring.” Seungmin sings, giggling.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin smiles fondly. It’s nice that, even after so much time apart, they’re still able to poke fun at each other as if nothing had changed. </p><p> </p><p>He relaxes back into his seat and stares at Seungmin’s side profile for a while before averting his gaze to the window once more. Buildings fly past, most closed for the night. Their town always seems like a ghost town when the lights are off and the window displays are no longer illuminated. It’s creepy, in a way, but Changbin kind of likes it.</p><p> </p><p>When they pull into the parking lot of the diner where they had last seen each other, Changbin feels a tug in his heart. He hasn’t been here since the fight. He glances at Seungmin, and one look tells him that Seungmin hasn’t been back either. Which probably means Jisung hasn’t as well.</p><p> </p><p><em> Well, </em> Changbin thinks. <em> Shit. </em></p><p> </p><p>“Is this okay?” Seungmin asks, voice shaky. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin almost reaches over to grab his hand, but instead unbuckles and nods. “Yeah, I think so.” He nods, and then adds, “Let’s leave better memories this time.”</p><p> </p><p>After they're seated with two glasses of ice water, they both stare at different things as they try to figure how to proceed. Changbin stares at the people inside, the table in front of him, the ice melting in his glass. He frowns, but the ice cube staring back at him looks like it's smiling. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” He says, finally, after what feels like forever. “And I’m sure a simple apology isn’t going to fix what I did. I was going through a hard time but that doesn’t excuse the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.”</p><p> </p><p>He chances a look at Seungmin, who is regarding him with that blank expression. Then Seungmin clears his throat and looks at his water instead.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you never tell us about your mom or your sister?” He asks softly. “Or your dad, for that matter. You know we would’ve helped you with whatever you asked us to help with. Or you could've told us you didn’t need help, but we still would’ve been there for you. I promised you that, didn’t I?”</p><p> </p><p>“You did.” Changbin nods in confirmation. He plays with his straw. “Back then, I would’ve said I didn’t want to worry you two - which did carry some weight. But now, I think I just wanted to prove I didn’t need you two coddling me all the time because I was behind on the curve. You two were getting up in the world and… I felt left behind. I just didn’t know how to articulate that.” He admits, his frown deepening. “I wish I had just told you. I wish we could’ve fixed things.”</p><p> </p><p>“We came to your house a lot,” Seungmin looks at him. “Your mom or your sister always turned us away. Said you weren’t home or you were sleeping or you weren’t taking visitors.” Changbin stares at him, watches him inhale shakily, and then, “One day, Chohee noona told us that you weren’t living there anymore, and she hadn’t heard from you in months. I thought- I <em> feared-”  </em></p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin,” Changbin breathes, reaching across the table for the boy's hand. Seungmin immediately takes it, holding onto it tightly, as if making sure he’s real. “I’m so sorry. I’m probably going to be apologizing for it for the rest of my life.”</p><p> </p><p>“I never saw you as a charity case. Not once.” Seungmin blurts. He looks a little distressed, eyes flitting around the diner and landing on everything except Changbin. His grip on his hand tightens. “I saw you as one of my best friends, one of the most important people in my life. I saw you as one of the people I—” His breath hitches, and he finally meets Changbin’s patient gaze— “One of the people I loved.”</p><p> </p><p>And Changbin’s heart simultaneously drops and soars at the same time. He exhales a breath he didn’t know he was holding, letting his head hang between his shoulders, and then he pulls Seungmin’s hand to his lips. “I-” He stops, frowning. What does he even say? How does he proceed? </p><p> </p><p>When he was 12, he first met Kim Seungmin, and sometimes he wonders if it was then that he had fallen for his friend. Not in such a way that he has now, but in a way that he admired the boy’s confidence in himself and the way he dealt with tense situations. He hasn’t been able to properly pinpoint the turning point in his feelings towards Seungmin, when they became something entirely different and new and strange. Jisung is easier, he knows it started halfway through his junior year, when Jisung had explicitly taken him on a date - his friend’s exact words. He had said it was practice then, and when Changbin asked what for, Jisung dodged the question more than once; Changbin just knows that when he returned home that night, he felt giddy and content and wished for <em> more.  </em></p><p> </p><p>As for Seungmin — well, he knows that, just as it is for himself, Seungmin has always been shit at expressing his feelings. Not for the same reasons as Changbin, at least he thinks, but looking back on it now, he realizes they were both cowards in a way. Changbin just didn’t want to let anyone too close, but Seungmin was afraid of losing the people he let in because he was too forward. </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin telling him he loved him, is a big thing. For both of them.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung saying it first - all those years ago and now - had been the turning point, the first nail in the coffin, the first brick in the wall, the first turn of the door knob - however one wants to look at it. Changbin had felt some kind of security in the fact that Jisung never asked for the words to be returned in such an explicit way, and Changbin hopes that he and Seungmin did well enough in expressing it in different ways through the years. </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin continues his rambling. “I was so angry at you for so long. And not because of what you said, but because you just- you just left. Just like that. No goodbye, no word of where you’d gone. You just walked out of our lives like it was the easiest thing to do.”</p><p> </p><p>“It wasn’t easy,” Changbin shakes his head. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It tore me to pieces, it set me on fire, it was like going through hell and back.” He lifts his head, meeting Seungmin’s teary eyes. “Building myself back up, getting to where I am now, was <em> hell </em> without you and Jisung. And, sure, Felix and Jeongin helped. They were patient with me, they cared for me, but like I told you, they weren’t you and Jisung. No one could replace you two.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin’s breath hitches. “Hyung,” He sobs out, bottom lip quivering. Changbin had expected tears from Jisung, not Seungmin. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t cry on me now,” Changbin’s voice cracks, and thankfully it has both of them chuckling. “You’re gonna make me cry.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’re both just big crybabies, aren’t we?” Seungmin teases, averting his teary gaze to their joined hands.</p><p> </p><p>“What ever happened to us being the more collected ones and <em> Jisung </em>being the crybaby?” Changbin sighs, tracing patterns on the back of Seungmin’s hand. “He didn’t cry at all when I saw him a couple days ago.”</p><p> </p><p>“He got it all out of his system beforehand.” Seumgmin tells him, though his tone is light. “Didn’t want to end up drunk crying in front of a bunch of strangers.”</p><p> </p><p>They both laugh, wet and choked out through sobs. Changbin rubs his eyes roughly, trying to dry them before he draws too much attention to them. Seungmin is gentler about it, dabbing his eyes and cheeks with a napkin.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you going to order?” Seungmin asks. He easily changes the subject, his subtle way of telling Changbin that he’s going to give him time to process - and in return, himself and Jisung as well. </p><p> </p><p>Honestly, the past week has been heavy for all three of them. So many feelings resurfaced all at once, some good and some bad, and Changbin knows that he definitely feels drained. He kind of wishes he could just go back to Tulip and have a glass of wine, process everything in his own time, but he also isn’t ready to leave Seungmin just yet. </p><p> </p><p>So they chat instead, over tenders and fries and milkshakes. Changbin pretty much relays everything he told Jisung to Seungmin, and in return, Seungmin tells him that he’s still studying law and that it’s a pain in his ass. He tells him that his sister got married and he has a nephew. He tells him that his parents moved to some retirement village further along the coast, and that Daisy passed a year ago.</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin drives Changbin home, and when Changbin steps up to his door, Seungmin is still watching him from the parking lot. He waves, and his friend waves back, before he’s pulling out of the parking lot. He wonders when he’ll see him and Jisung again, if it’ll be soon, or not for a while. At least this time, parting with the two won’t be as painful.</p><p> </p><p>He knows that feelings like this, after the pain he had caused, and after their separate lives in the past three years, is going to take time to settle. He hopes Seungmin and Jisung got their closure, and in a way, he thinks he got some as well. However they proceed from here, however the future is laid for them, is something that can only be told with time.</p><p> </p><p>His therapist likes to tell him that everything happens for a reason, you just don’t know it yet. He thinks it’s good for the three of them that they went their separate ways for a while. Changbin needed to figure out his own life, what he wanted to do, needed to get better, so he could be someone deserving of Seungmin and Jisung. But with the venom he had spat at that them years ago, his journey of self-healing was something he needed to take on his own.</p><p> </p><p>As Changbin sits on his balcony with Tulip, staring at the stars above, and decides that he’s finally in a place where he can pick up where he left off with Seungmin and Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>No, correction. Start a new book. This isn’t something he picks up like picking up on a page, because their past is messy and he doesn’t want to continue directly from that. It’s not something he starts over with, either, because that means erasing everything that got them to where they are now. He doesn’t want to forget, he just wants to move forward. </p><p> </p><p>With a content sigh, he smiles at the night sky, as if greeting an old friend.</p><p>
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</p><p>Three weeks pass, and Changbin almost begins to think life is going to go back to normal. He continues his daily routine, draws more than he’s drawn in months, and feels lighter than he’s felt in years.</p><p> </p><p>The only thing is, he worries that there isn’t a sequel to his story with Seungmin and Jisung, but he wonders if that's a good thing. People come and go, and not everything is forever, but that’s okay. You learn the lesson you needed in the end, somehow.</p><p> </p><p>“When did you start eating lollipops?” Felix asks when they arrive at the shop early on saturday to open together.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin pulls the pop out of his mouth, holding it up to the light to look through it, before shrugging. “I wanted to try something new.” He says with a grin, and sticks the treat back in his mouth before pushing his way into the shop and flicking the lights on.</p><p> </p><p>The day passes as normally as any other day. Clients come and go, Changbin shares his lunch break with Felix and Minho (<em> “This is the first time we’ve spent lunch together in weeks, hyung,” </em> Felix had teased Minho, wiggling his eyebrows. <em> “Any particular reason why? Could it be that Hwang boy, perhaps?” </em>, and then Minho promptly shoved the blonde away, scowling). Bambam even stops by briefly to make an appointment, and his chat with Felix this time is a lot nicer than the last time - Overall, it’s a fairly good day, and has been a fairly good week at that. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyung!” Felix calls sharply from the lobby, close to sunset when its just them left for the day. Changbin looks up from his desk in the backroom, where he’d been filing paychecks, expenses, and the lease on their building. “Changbin hyung!” Felix calls again.</p><p> </p><p>“Coming!” Changbin yells back with a roll of his eyes. “This kid,” He mutters to no one in particular, shaking his head in a fond sort of way, before pausing the music playing from his iPad and making his way out into the lobby.</p><p> </p><p>This time, when he sees Seungmin and Jisung, he’s not scared or stressed or nervous. He’s not even surprised to see them standing there. </p><p> </p><p>He even greets them with a smile. “Hey!” He waves, skipping over to his friends. Jisung ruffles his hair when he’s in reach. “Been a minute. What have you been up to?”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin taps the counter, glancing at Felix for a moment before looking back at Changbin, smiling. “Working, school, all that fun stuff.” And then he jabs a thumb in Jisung’s direction. “Would’ve been by sooner but this idiot kept himself holed up in the home studio and wouldn’t come out except for food.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck off,” Jisung scoffs, shoving Seungmin’s hand away. “I was <em> inspired!” </em></p><p> </p><p>Seems like both of them were inspired, Changbin thinks, remembering the pages in his sketchbook he’s filled since his talk with Seungmin. A certain warmth spreads through his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Anyways,” Seungmin shakes his head and turns his attention back to Changbin. He shares a quick look with Jisung, and Changbin doesn’t miss the way their hands thread together. “We’re here to ask you on a date.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix drops his water bottle. Until now, he had been trying to make himself seem inconspicuous enough that they would forget he was there, but seems like the announcement was a bit of a shock to him. “Sorry,” Felix mumbles sheepishly. Changbin glances over his shoulder, watching Felix pick up his water bottle. “I’ll just-” Felix points deeper into the shop. “Yeah, carry on.”</p><p> </p><p>With a chuckle, Changbin turns back to Seungmin and Jisung. “So, a date, huh?” He asks, picking up a pen off the counter and tapping the end of it against his arm. He feels nervous suddenly, but not in a bad way. “Where would this date take place?”</p><p> </p><p>His friends share a look before Jisung grabs his hand. The touch is tentative, careful, and when he’s sure that Changbin isn’t going to pull away, he threads their fingers together. “Are you able to leave work now?”</p><p> </p><p>“Um-” Changbin sticks his tongue in his cheek, recalling his schedule. He’s almost certain he’s completed all his appointments for the day. “I think so.”</p><p> </p><p>Okay, in that case,” Jisung tugs him towards the door impatiently. “The date is a surprise.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, wait-” Changbin laughs, waving his free hand. “I gotta clock out, little dude.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin chuckles behind him and shuffles over to Jisung, patting the boy’s head as he pouts. Jisung reluctantly lets Changbin slip from his fingers and as quickly as possible, the latter collects his things and turns his machines off before signing out for the night. </p><p> </p><p>Felix catches him in the backroom, gentle hand grasping his bicep. “Hyung,” He breathes, and then tugs Changbin into a hug. “I’m endlessly proud of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin pauses for a second, caught entirely off guard. And then he smiles and melts into the hug, holding Felix close to his chest. “Thank you, Lix.”</p><p> </p><p>Through everything, Felix and Jeongin have been right there, and he’s never truly been able to express how thankful he is for them. He just hopes they understand. When Felix pulls away to meet his eyes, he’s tearing up, and looking every bit proud as he says, and Changbin decides that he absolutely does know.</p><p> </p><p>“You do deserve them, okay?” Felix says, cupping his cheeks. “More than anything, you’ve proven over and over that you deserve them - you deserve to <em> love. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>“Lix,” Changbin whines, stubbornly rubbing at his eyes. “You can’t make me cry right now. I’m about to go on a <em> date.” </em></p><p> </p><p>They both laugh. Felix squishes his cheeks and then pats his head, sending him off with a promise to lock up the shop by himself.</p><p> </p><p>The car is quiet, but it’s not uncomfortable. Jisung sits in the back seat with Changbin, holding his hand in his lap with his thumb tracing over his knuckles as they stare out the window together. Seungmin glances back at them in the mirror every so often, and everytime he smiles to himself. </p><p> </p><p>For some reason, it all feels so normal. Like something they’ve always done. And in a way, it is. When they were still kids, they would sometimes take the bus around town when it was too hot to ride on bikes and boards. Changbin would always sit in between his friends, Jisung’s head on his shoulder and Seungmin’s hand in his own. Jisung and Changbin would share earbuds and Seungmin would read a book, and no one hardly ever spoke, but they were still some of Changbin’s favorite memories.</p><p> </p><p>He looks at Jisung. There’s a red glow around them from the sun setting in front of them. Jisung’s eyes glow amber, reflecting a world beyond their own. When he meets Changbin’s gaze, Jisung smiles softly, squeezing Changbin’s hand. A million words seem to pass in that moment, and Changbin’s heart swells so much it brings tears to his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re here.” Seungmin announces finally, parking the car at the base of a hill and turning to look at the other two.</p><p> </p><p>Changbin leans towards the window, and he’s completely unsurprised to see their hill, their tree, sitting a few steps away. With a smile, he detaches his hand from Jisung and unbuckles, sliding out of the car to breathe in the fresh air.</p><p> </p><p>Jisung and Seungmin appear on either side of him. He looks between them before looking towards the tree. “I haven't been here in years.” He sighs. “Let's check on our friend.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung trips twice going up the hill, complaining both times about the grass being slippery even though they haven’t had rain in days. Changbin ends up carrying him on his back as Seungmin leads the way to the peak, where they settle at the base of the tree. Jisung wastes no time in getting comfortable, pressing himself back against Changbin’s chest and securing the older’s arms around him like he used to do when they were younger.</p><p> </p><p>“I remember when we planted this tree,” Jisung looks up into the branches. It’s still young, still so much to give. Changbin can see the remains of nests among the leaves. “Now look at us.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin shares a look with Seungmin, and both of them smile a knowing smile. “Yeah, look at us.” Changbin says, and turns his gaze to the rapidly setting sun. </p><p> </p><p>Always the three of them. As Changbin settles against the tree and pulls Jisung closer, Seungmin’s head on his shoulder, he decides that his story has always started with them, and will always end with them. And as he looks between them, he decides it’s a two way street.</p><p> </p><p>Growing up had never been easy, and growing up without Seungmin and Jisung had been so much harder than anything else. But he likes to think that those three years were beneficial for him - a turning point, a chance for him to be a better version of himself. And he finally, <em> finally </em>believes that he’s someone deserving of Seungmin and Jisung, finally deserving of their love and care. </p><p> </p><p>As the moon makes it climb through the sky and Seungmin and Jisung drift off, Changbin feels at peace. He holds Jisung securely, kissing the crown of his head and then Seungmin’s. “I love you,” He whispers. Seungmin nuzzles his cheek against his shoulder, his hand tightens around Jisung’s. “Both of you.”</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em> Ultimately it's a beautiful thing </em>
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    <em> Like flowers blooming in a lonely field </em>
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    <em> The petals drift through crossing winds </em>
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    <em> They find their way to river streams </em>
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    <em> That scent the water beautifully, it takes me back to you </em>
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    <em> It takes me back to you </em>
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</p><p>
  <em> Fin. </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>is it really a fic of mine if i don't weave stargazing or just stars into it somehow lol</p><p>if you're here, then i thank you for sticking around til the end :D</p><p>you can find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/novabins">twitter</a> or yell at me in my <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/jisungsgIow">curiouscat</a></p><p>and this is just a reminder to always talk to someone if you're struggling !! and never give up on your dreams, okay? you're gonna do great things in the future, and if you haven't heard it yet, just know that I'm proud of you. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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